Stuck in a Baby Drought

Nursery Progress & belly pic

2012-02-16T19:32:00.005-07:00

The first pic is me yesterday at 23 weeks. Funny how so many women patients of mine think I'm too small. Ha! They should see my scale!

We bought a recliner that rocks this past weekend. I know it is pretty masculine for a nursery, but don't care. I am all about comfort. And if I am going to spend time breast feeding & rocking baby girl to sleep, I want to be comfortable!

The crib mattress should be delivered tomorrow. You gotta love our friends at Am.azon :)

I am doing a beach theme for the nursery, so the pictures that are on top of the dresser will eventually hang over the dresser. I was so excited to see how well they matched in real life. You never know sometimes when you are ordering things off the internet!

Of course, I had to show you that Shrekalina already has a serious pink wardrobe! It is too adorable. My mom just bought her a bathing suit and sun hat for next summer. It is to die for. This girl will be well dressed!

Here is the fabric I am going to use for the crib skirt. I think it will turn out cute:)

Just one more week until viability. I'm starting to get the shower plans in motion. It reminds me a little of wedding planning, which wasn't my favorite activity! I am clearly missing a girly girl chip when it comes to event planning! I also have to start my registry this weekend. I'm enlisting my friend for help as well as my beloved baby.bargains.book.

I have some wicked sinus pain/pressure the last couple of days. My head and teeth hurt. I think it will be a Benadryl kind of night tonight. I hope this doesn't progress much more, it stinks not being able to really take anything for it:( I really don't mean to boo hoo about it, just the headache is pretty intense. Thank GOD tomorrow is Friday & I can take it easy this weekend. I am ready for some serious couch laying!

Interesting Birthday

2012-02-13T20:08:00.001-07:00

This past Wednesday I celebrated my 39th birthday. I am still in disbelief that I am one year away from 40! Where did the time go? I remember how depressed I was when I turned 35. I was only 2 years into trying to conceive & so stressed about falling down that fertility cliff. Little did I know, I had already fallen down that cliff in my early 30's!

It definitely helped getting through this birthday knowing there is a baby girl growing inside of me! Without the use of donor eggs, I would never know this kind of hope. If you had talked to me 2 years ago, you would have gotten a very melancholy/bitter Jay! I'm trying not to fixate on the number. I just have to tell myself, I will be a good Mom, even if I am a little older!

I was supposed to celebrate my birthday at a fancy steak restaurant with J and my parents, but that didn't work out. I was on my way home from work when J called & said L dog was very, very sick. He was stumbling & his eyes were glazed over. Thank God J was home to see it happen. He scooped up our 100 lb lab & threw him into the car & raced to the vet. L dog wouldn't walk, so J had to put him in a shopping cart to get him inside the vet! Nothing more pathetic than a big dog in a shopping cart!

I met J at the vet & waited with him. I felt sick. I was fearing the worst, stroke, tumor, poison...(why am I such a worst case scenario kind of person?) After about an hour and a half, the vet came out to talk to us. She said L dog's labs were normal. He must have gotten into something in the yard that he was sensitive to. The gave him activated charcoal, 4 huge syringes full. I had no idea they gave it to animals. I have only seen it in the ER given to people who have OD'd or poisoned. It is pitch black nasty stuff.

They also gave L dog some antibiotics. We were able to take him home. He still couldn't really walk, so J put him back in a shopping cart & wheeled his sorry ass back to the car! I was so worried that night. L was breathing a little funny, so I woke up every hour or so to make sure he was ok. He was 80% better on Thursday, & 100% better on Friday. I guess he is just preparing me for parenthood! I'm joking about it now, but it was really scary. I've never seen a dog look so sick in my life.

I got a couple of gift cards for my birthday so I can buy some more maternity clothes for work. I went to the mall on Saturday to do some shopping. I was talking to my mom on the phone & she asked how much weight I have gained. I told her too much, but I don't think I look like I've gained as much as I have. I asked her if she thought it looked like it and she said yes! How rude! I was so sad I had to drown myself in a milk chocolate chip cookie from Mrs.Fields:( Thanks for the self esteem boost Ma!

This Wednesday I will be 23 weeks. I'm still feeling pretty good. Yesterday I had some cramping, which was worse when I was doing cardio at the gym. Thankfully, it was better today. I'm also starting to get some swelling in my feet & legs:( I'm wearing my sexy Ted stockings almost every day to help with that.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. After work I need to get J something sweet. He has been so good to me during this pregnancy, I need to find a small something to tell him thank you. My hubs is such a keeper, I am so happy he is finally going to be a daddy. It makes me smile every time I think about it.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

21 weeks

2012-02-01T21:45:00.000-07:00

There is a lot rattling around in my brain, I'll try to spit it out in a somewhat coherent post! So, 21 weeks today. It's really hard to believe I've come this far, but another 19 weeks to go, seems like forever! I am finally feeling more movement by Shrekalina on a daily basis. Yesterday, I was in surgery & baby girl was active. I've decided this baby won't be able to be soothed unless I play a CD of the sounds of surgery :) No lullabies for her!

Operation finding fabric for the nursery is proving to be a little more difficult than I thought it would be! I went to several stores with my mom on Saturday. It seemed like all the baby fabric was too babyish, and the Hawaiian prints were too loud. I went online & found some fabric I really liked. So, I ordered it & got a call yesterday saying it was out of stock :( So, I found another fabric last night & ordered a swatch to make sure it will look good with the walls. If I ended up buying it, I will post the link.

The big accomplishment this last weekend was setting up the crib & dresser. J and I put it together pretty quickly & we did it without fighting :). I also had to clean out the entire closet in that room. Such a pain in the butt! My house is pretty small with very little storage, & a garage that has minimal storage. So, a bunch of stuff went to Goodwill on Saturday! And the rest went into the 3rd bedroom closet!

My 39th birthday is a week from today. It does help soften the blow that I am finally pregnant, but damn...39? How did I get to be this old? It's amazing to think we started trying to get pregnant soon after my 33rd birthday. 6 years. I have to tell myself there is some cosmic reason for the timing of all of this, that I may never understand.

For my birthday present, J got me a prenatal massage gift certificate. I have it all scheduled for this Friday. I'm looking forward to it, as my low back is really starting to feel my expanding waistline! My MIL got me a gift certificate to the same spa for a facial. I plan to use that in a week or two. My skin is really dry & slack since becoming pregnant. Hopefully a facial will shine things up a little!

I know this may sound a little corny, but it's hard not to get a little teary eyed every time I feel a kick. I was starting to believe that this would never happen for me. And to see little baby girl clothes hanging in the closet, it is beyond my comprehension right now. So.very.thankful...I have my next OB appointment on Tuesday. I'm dreading the weigh in :(

On the work front, things have been very busy. My doctor is taking a shit load of time off this year. He is out the next week and a half, comes back for a week & then gone for another week. He's taking a week off every month this year. He will even be out of town on my due date. When he is out, I have to run the show. I have my usual schedule & then all the other pseudo emergencies that can't wait. It is stressful when he is out. It's amazing how much time he is taking off, & he gave me such a hard time when I took some time off for the cycle! Double standards, what???

Anyway, I just can't let the work stuff get to me. I need to focus on gestating this baby in a happy, healthy environment! Phew, I am long winded tonight! My brain needs to shut down now! I hope you all have a good rest of the week. I'm looking forward to some Super Bowl action this weekend! Too bad my team didn't even make the playoffs this year! Oh well, it's all about the commercials anyways.

Wordless Wednesday-20 week belly style

2012-01-25T19:33:00.005-07:00

I just spent time playing with my new photo.shop software, and can't seem to figure out how to load the picture. I clearly need to read the manual & figure this shizzle out! Here are a couple of pics from this evening. Wow, I look a lot bigger in the pics than in real life...I think...(of course I just ate some mexican food right before the photo shoot) L and T dog wanted to pose with mama. They are so going to miss being top dogs come June!

Almost halfway there/ Nursery plans

2012-01-23T21:08:00.001-07:00

I can't believe I am approaching 20 weeks this Wednesday! Halfway mark is good, getting to 24 weeks will provide even more relief! I am trying to focus on the positives, and not get caught up in the possible negatives.

One of the fun things I have been working on it the nursery. I've decided to do a beach theme. The color of the walls is a very light aqua. The crib & dresser are "expresso". The curtains are a girly "shabby chic" white. I've looked at a billion different crib beddings & I didn't find anything that I love. Thankfully, my Mom is a sewing/quilting master & is going to do the crib skirt & quilt. Sometime soon, my Mom & I are going to head to the fabric store to pick out Hawaiian/beach fabrics. So fun!

I also found some cute framed beach art on Amazon & ordered 3. One is a sand dollar, a starfish, and a shell. It also has a similar color in it to my wall color. They should be here by the end of the week. I also found a cute palm tree wall decal, still deciding if it will look cute or cheesy. We really need to set up the furniture first to get an idea. We will put together the furniture in the next week or two.

I've been tempted to buy more clothes for baby girl, but have refrained. I know she is going to get spoiled by my Mom, MIL, and all of her aunties. It is fun to look at stuff online & daydream. In the 6 years of infertility, I never allowed myself to look at baby/nursery stuff, it was just too sad/hard. I feel giddy looking at this stuff now, but still afraid I am jinxing things. That fear will probably never go away. I may be pregnant now, but those old anxieties never go away.

Overall, I am feeling pretty good. Still tire easily when trying to exercise! Yesterday's 10 mile bike ride felt like 50! My DH was laughing at my specialness. It's hard to bike & gestate at the same time! Just so you know, we are biking on desert trails on dirt/sand which IS more difficult. I am slow though! I had the last laugh when J rode through some horse pooh & got it on his back! Serves him right for making fun of my chubby pregnant ass on a bike! Right?

I had another feeling faint/hot/pukey episode in surgery today. Ugh, it is so embarrassing! At least the nurses & reps are understanding. Today the rep ran & got some ice put it in a wet towel & held it on my neck. Usually that does the trick, not today. I had to scrub out & take a Zofran. Sigh. It's the heat that gets to me. They put this heat blanket on the patient & some cases I have to lean up against it & it is too much! The blanket is circulating 107* air.
I can't wait to see how I fair when it actually gets hot here in the AZ this spring!

Other than my occasional case of the "vapors", I really am doing well. The headaches have subsided. I am still hungry, but nothing like before. My belly continues to grow bigger :) I can feel faint movements of baby girl more frequently. I still use the Doppler every couple of days, not completely trusting what I think is movement. Still trying to believe there will be a sweet baby girl in my arms come June!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

It's a ....

2012-01-13T23:58:00.002-07:00

Today was my 18 week ultrasound. I have been so eager to find out the sex since our 12 week ultrasound! I picked up my BFF from the airport at noon & we all had lunch before the big appointment! My mom met myself, BFF, & DH at the imaging place. Thank God the room had 3 chairs for my entourage!

Anyway, we had a much better tech this go around! She asked if we wanted to know the sex, & I said hell to the yes! She started the scan of the brain & worked her way down. When she got to the buttocks (doesn't that word always remind you of Forr.est G.ump? No? Just me?), the baby was not cooperating. She did some other measurements, then came back to it. I kept looking & said, "I don't see a penis" and the tech said no, because you are having a girl!

My mom & BFF let out a squeal, & my husband grew some new gray hair! I got a little teary, totally in shock. Everyone then whipped out there cell phones to text the news that Sh.rek is a Shrekalina! I had to get a quick wanding to check my cervical length which was 4.4 :)

The radiologist then came in to review the scan. He said everything was measuring properly & all of the organs were developing fine. My chance of Down's at this point is 1:7500. The only BAD thing is I have a marginal placental previa. He said it will probably move up as the uterus gets bigger, but I get to have another ultrasound between 26-30 weeks to determine if it has moved. Yay for another ultrasound! Boo for previa!

I am so excited to have a little girl! Oh, the shopping trouble I am going to get in! Let's face it, girl clothes are way cuter than boys! My mom is going to go nuts! She used to be a buyer for all the children's departments for a large department store for many years! She is going to be in baby clothes heaven!

I will try to post a pic later, most of the pics didn't come out that great. The 3D ones looked a little freaky just yet!So, we are team pink, and this pregnancy is starting to feel a little more real! Now it's time to figure out a name for little Shrekalina ;) Feeling so thankful tonight for my donor & RE for making this a reality.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

There is baby furniture in my 4th BR!

2012-01-10T17:06:00.004-07:00

I am still tripping out that there are boxes of baby furniture hanging out in my 4th bedroom (will be nursery)! I've been reading the baby*bargains*book and it has all kinds of helpful feedback on how to choose baby items. I had seen this crib in Cos.tco about a year ago and really liked it.I told J that if we ever saw it again, and were pregnant, we would would pick it up. So, this past Friday we were there and saw it on the floor. They only had 3 cribs & dressers, so we bought it that day! Most cribs you have to order and the shipping is expensive, so we saved some money right there!

The fourth bedroom was finally painted a year and a half ago right before we got new carpet. The color is a light aqua. I think it was called fountain spout. I love the color, and have pretty much decided whether we are having a boy or girl, I am not repainting the room! There are plenty of bedding sets with this color in it, so I am not worried!

The pic of me and my baby bump was from last Wednesday when I turned 17 weeks. Tomorrow I hit 18 weeks. I am so happy to have my Doppler to keep me sane! I can't really tell if I have felt movement or not. I would think I would be feeling something more definitive soon!

I have overall been doing OK. I still have been getting pretty significant headaches. I am chalking them up as hormonal. I check my BP frequently, and my pressure is always low. I have been getting dizzy/nausea spells in the OR, which sucks. Last Tuesday, I physically had to scrub out, take a Zofran, and eat something. I don't like that feeling of not knowing if you are going to puke or pass out! I was in surgery all day yesterday & today, and just took a precautionary Zofran each morning. I hate to do it, but it is better than having to scrub out!

I am still gaining weight like a champ :( I have been working out 3x a week, and that is all I can do. I am just happy that I have the energy to exercise again! I'm sure in my 3rd trimester, that will change! I will probably only want to float in my pool by then!

My SIL is going to host a California baby shower for me in April. It feels WAY too premature to be planning it, but I guess it's good to get the date down on the books. I still need to figure out when I will do my local shower. Not too worried about that, just want to make sure the baby looks healthy on U/S on Friday!

Speaking of Friday, it is almost that time!!! I can't wait to find out the gender! Any guesses from all of you? I think boy, which means it will probably be a girl! I will be happy either way! My mom is dying to know so she can start shopping! She LOVES all things baby clothes!

So, that is my update. I already feel like I am slowing down! I can barely keep up with J when we go for a walk/hike/bike ride! Work is feeling more physically tiring. I just keep thinking, holy crap, I have a LONG WAY to go!!! I finally went to the Moth.erhood store this past weekend to try on some pants, and the dressing room had a fake 7 month bump in there and I tried it on. My eyes bugged out of my head! I am going to be HUGE in the near future! It is all kind of surreal, maybe when I feel the baby move, I will stop feeling like this is all pretend.

Wordless Wednesday-lab edition

2012-01-04T20:18:00.003-07:00

My parent's dog, L dog, and T dog about to head to the dog park. Cute, aren't they?

Holidays & 2011

2012-01-03T20:25:00.001-07:00

Sorry for my 3 week absence, it's been super busy with the holidays. I will try to catch you up as best I can! My 14 week appointment was non eventful. My OB said he would cut me some slack on my weight gain because of the holidays, but get on me later on :) The weight gain is still happening too quickly. I am 17 weeks tomorrow, and am up (gulp)15 lbs. At least I am exercising regularly now...

I had my office Christmas party Dec 17th and it was nice. It was hard to turn down the wine with dinner, but I survived! I was certain I was not going to get a good bonus this year after all the drama I went through during my cycle with my doctor, but he pulled through! He even (in a round about way) apologized for all of the stress he put me under. I was surprised to say the least!

Christmas was low key. J and I bought a new fancy tv on Black Friday, so that was our big Christmas gift to each other. We just ordered some little things from amazo.n & opened the cardboard boxes they came in on Christmas day! Can you say LAZY? I had no energy to wrap gifts this year. My brother flew out for Christmas & it was nice to spend some time with him & my parents. We had something going on every day from the 23rd-27th, I was tired!

We did make it to church on Christmas eve, which wasn't as painful as it was the year before. I still just pray that Shreky holds on & is a healthy take home baby. I still wonder why J and I had to go through 6 years of hell & back with infertility. The only good thing that has come out of it, is meeting all of you. I mean it, I feel like this pregnancy is more special being able to have you all by my side (and not making me feel bad about stuffing my face :)!

New Year's was completely uneventful & I was asleep by 10:30. It was so weird to not be partying it up on NYE, but we did go out for a nice dinner with friends. My club soda just didn't taste as good as J's tropical martini! I made no resolutions this year, other than learning how to pho.toshop. And to exercise more, now that I am feeling better!

I tried so hard to get some cute pics of L & T dog with their Santa hats on, but it was a major fail. Maybe next year! I didn't even do Christmas cards this year. Just didn't have it in me to announce baby J on the cards. Still don't want to jinx things, I guess! J's niece was whining about morning sickness on FB the other day while only 6 weeks along...to be able to whine without fear, I'll never get it!

My 18 week ultrasound is a week from Friday. I am DYING to know what this baby is! My BFF is going to fly out for the ultrasound. How fun is that? I am going to have a full entourage between J, my Mom, & my BFF! I'm so excited they will all be there for the big reveal!

Ok, I need to go pay some bills & go to sleep. I hope everyone survived the holidays. It's always been a hard time of year for me. Time to look forward to a new year with new possibilities!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Weight

2011-12-12T20:26:00.001-07:00

As in, I am putting on a lot of it! The tally so far is 9 lbs. All of the pregnancy books say that I should have only put on 3-5 lbs in the first trimester. I am hoping tomorrow ( last day of 1st trimester) I don't hit the 10 pound mark! It's crazy!

I wish I could say it is not from all the eating I am doing, but sadly I think it is :( I have never ever felt as hungry in my life as I do right now! Of course my body is craving carbs & Mexican food! Not exactly low calorie foods! I am TRYING not to be too obsessive about it all. But, I know it isn't great to gain a lot early in the pregnancy!

Some days are better in terms of my diet. I am eating mostly healthy, but way more carbs than I was pre cycle. I keep hoping my weight will start to stabilize soon, or I am going to be 500 lbs at the end of this! I even went to the gym yesterday & no signs of all that hard work on the scale! I don't expect to lose weight, I just want to slow down this weight gain just a little!

I've taken a poll of friends who have had children, and most of them didn't gain a lot of weight, which makes me feel even worse!!! My OB told me I should only gain 25 lbs the whole pregnancy, which CLEARLY isn't going to happen! I guess I need reassurance that I am not the only porker out there! Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to be pregnant, I am just worried I am gaining too fast!

I see my OB on Wednesday for a check up. I have no idea if there will be an ultrasound or not. I am just cringing when he looks at my weight. All I can say is Thank God I lost 25 lbs before this IVF cycle, or I would REALLY be freaking out!
What can I say? Shre.k is a hungry fetus!!! One more day until 14 weeks! I can't believe it!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

13 weeks

2011-12-06T15:03:00.002-07:00

*not the best belly pic I have, but you get the idea of my biscuit belly*

Tomorrow I turn 13 weeks and it is kind of hard to believe! Overall, I have been feeling a little better. The nausea seems to have mostly passed on by :) I am FINALLY done with progesterone.....Yay *jumping up and down*. It is amazing how itchy I am at the injection sites & it's been over 2 weeks since my last PIO injection! I notice I am WAY less tired now that I am off progesterone! Sure I am almost into my second trimester, but I felt instantly more energetic after I quit the progesterone.

I got a call last week from the center that did my NT scan and 1st trimester screen. They said my screen was negative, my chance of Down's is 1:2500, and chance of Trisomy 13/18 is 1:10,000. Pretty good odds I'd say. Thank you 26 year old Donor 2.0!

I broke down this past weekend and purchased some maternity clothes from the G.ap. There is actually a store south of me that carries maternity clothes in the actual store! I was armed with my 40% off coupon & went to town! It was good for me to try a bunch of things on to see what size & how things fit. Now I can order online knowing what size. I felt like an imposter trying things on, but my regular jeans are getting to be insanely uncomfortable! My biscuit belly doesn't like it! The sales lady said I wasn't even showing, ha! She she see my nakedness!

I have been checking up on Shre.k periodically via Doppler. I look forward to feeling movement. Yesterday it took me awhile to find the heartbeat & it freaked me out a little. I eventually found it! I don't see my OB/GYN for another week. I have no idea if he will ultrasound me at that appointment. I may not have another ultrasound until my level 2 ultrasound.

I finally attempted 'relations' with J and it was really uncomfortable! I guess I am a little out of practice. No one ever really talks about this & I feel really guilty that I wasn't enjoying it :( Hopefully it will get better!

Other no-so-great news is my maternity leave. It turns out, my maternity leave is completely unpaid. Awesome, right? I have 14 days to carry over to next year. I will then have to use next year's entire bank of vacation/personal/sick hours towards my maternity leave. It looks like I will have almost 6 weeks paid by doing this. My fear is that I will have to go out early & in that event, I will have no income (I am the breadwinner). It is really scary to think about. I do have long term disability, so if I had to go out really early I'd be ok. I just don't have any short term disability. Sigh. I keep telling myself it will all work out.

Enough of that, my house is decorated for Christmas. L and T dog are sporting their new collars. I am hoping & praying this is our last Christmas as a family of 2 with 2 dogs. We are feeling thankful to be this far along, and pray the baby continues to grow & thrive. That is all I really want for Christmas, a healthy take home baby. That is my wish for all of you as well that are still fighting the fight. Hook us up Santa!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

NT scan

2011-11-28T19:19:00.001-07:00

This morning was my Nuchal Translucency scan. It is a test to look at the folds of the neck, to determine if there is a potential for Down's syndrome. I was looking forward to this ultrasound purely to get a better look at Sh.rek. And a better look, we did...

I had my mom & J with me for the scan. I had to fill out a butt load of paperwork when I checked in. It turns out this place also does the first trimester screening lab work as well, with a geneticist on staff. I was told if we got there early, we would start early...Not!

Anywho, we went back to the room & I got to take my pants off :). I got situated on the bed & the tech came in to start the scan. It turned out that my sweet little baby was not in the mood to cooperate this morning. He was moving & shaking, but not in the position the tech wanted him in. She did a 45 minute ultrasound to try to get the perfect measurement. She was pressing down with the probe REALLY hard. My abs have been sore ever since! She kept shaking the baby to try to get him to move. She finally got the measurement of 1.3 which is good, they want it under 3.

The tech recorded a DVD of the scan for me, but I didn't get any photos. I was hoping to show you guys a pic, now that Sh.rek actually looks like a baby! Next time! The tech 'thought' she knew the gender but refused to share because it's against he policy to share this early on. Bah! I knew it would be a long shot to determine the sex this early, it was worth trying to ask them to guess!

I was getting a little stressed because I had my first patient to see at 9:30 this am. At 9:25 I told the tech we needed to wrap this up. I then had to speak with the radiologist & geneticist very quickly. The radiologist said the scan all looked good & they would call me later this week with the 1st trimester screen lab results. I raced back to the office & was 20 minutes late :( I know now to schedule these fancy scans at the END of the day! I HATE to run late & more importantly hate to make patients wait!!!

The baby's heartbeat was a strong 158 bpm. I felt a little teary hearing the heartbeat. Is it possible to have a take home baby after all of this? Today gave me more hope that I will indeed have a baby in my arms in June. I keep praying for a healthy baby. It was awkward telling the geneticist why we used donor eggs. I had to give the one cent version as I was in a hurry! She thought I was young to be using donor eggs...Ha Ha Ha! People outside the infertile world just.don't.get.it!

I am 11w5d today. One more miserable day of twice daily prometrium & endometrin. I start to itch within 30 minutes of taking the prometrium. I am CLEARLY allergic to progesterone!!! I will be doing a happy dance on Wednesday when I no longer have to keep taking progesterone! I am so tired of being itchy!!!

I don't see my OB/GYN for another 2 weeks. Thank God for my little Doppler to check on Sh.rek's heartbeat to keep me reassured :). I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving, I had a nice day with my family. It was nice to have a few days off to relax and sleep! Sorry to bore you with all the pregnancy details, I will post about something more interesting next time!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Waving the white flag

2011-11-21T19:11:00.001-07:00

Today I am 10w5d & I can't take it anymore...I am quitting PIO. I was really itchy last night on my abdomen & had a few red spots present. This morning, I had a fine red rash over all of my trunk, and a little on my legs & arms. The rash continued to get worse as the day went on, even with 2 doses of Benadryl!

I spent all day scratching myself silly (in between patients :) and finally emailed the IVF nurse this afternoon. I knew she wasn't going to let me quit progesterone altogether. She called me back & said she called in both Pro.metrium & Endo.metrin to the pharmacy. I will be doing both meds twice daily. I only have to do 7 days of it, and then I am done.

Of course, I had to get it filled at the apothecrappy shop, and it won't be ready until tomorrow. I know those bastards are going to charge an arm & a leg for the Endo.metrin, but whatever. I cannot go through another week with this much rash & itch! I can't believe I am wussing out when I only have a week left, but it is what it is....icky drippy suppositories, here I come!

On a much happier note, my girlfriend was in town visiting with her 18 month old daughter. It was so great to spend time with her & to pick her brain about pregnancy & baby stuff. Both my dogs were so good with the baby, except this morning when L dog snatched a piece of waffle out of her little hand. My porker L dog was parked right underneath her high chair. I'm certain it will be the same way with our own child!!!

My girlfriend is an NP and is familiar with using a Doppler. So yesterday, I broke it out & she was able to locate Sh.rek's heartbeat. It was found on the right of my pubic bone (in case any of you are neurotic & want to try to hear the baby's heartbeat at home). I was happy to finally hear the heartbeat & felt reassured.

Since I can't get the new meds until tomorrow, I am going rogue & not doing PIO tonight. I do have some old pro.metrium, and will take that. I don't think missing one dose will be that critical. Last time the progesterone was checked it was really high.
Did any of you guys have a bad reaction to PIO? I have already changed oil bases. I think my body is just done. And I am waving the white flag!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

10 week observations (pg mentioned)

2011-11-19T07:46:00.001-07:00

I'm so sorry it has taken me so long to update! Things have been insanely busy. I am now in the really busy time at work, and most days are long. By the the time I get home, I stuff my face with food, and then crash. I'm lucky if I can keep my eyes open beyond 8pm. It is crazy how tired little things make me!

I had another ultrasound on Wednesday which put me at exactly 10 weeks. I still get anxious at the OG/GYN office. I really hope at some point this overwhelming fear will subside. Anyways, Sh.rek actually looked like a baby this time! The doctor took the wand & bumped my cervix a couple of times (ouch) to wake the baby up. All of a sudden, Sh.rek was moving his arms like he was doing the robocop. It was amazing! I almost believe there is a baby growing inside of me :)

My NT scan will be on 11/28 at a special imaging center. I can't wait to see the baby on a more sophisticated machine. Both J and my mom will be there for it. It will be fun for my mom to see the baby again, she never had ultrasounds when she was pregnant with us kids!

My nausea is still around. Some days are way better than others. A tech in my office asks me every morning if I feel sick. It is soooo annoying. When you feel like puking, the last thing you want to do is talk about it!!!! I'm learning that people are obsessed with your morning sickness & delight when you tell them you have it. It's really weird. But still, I feel pretty fortunate I haven't actually vomited, it could be a lot worse!

The other surprising thing is how hungry I am. I am hungry all.the.time. I'm trying to eat somewhat healthy, which is a challenge when you have food aversions! It's weird eating so many carbs again, but I need to eat them to feel better & for the baby. I have been stressed that I have already gained 5 lbs :( That seems like a lot at 10w3d! In all fairness, when I started this cycle, I dropped another 5 lbs when I started estrogen. So, in actuality, my weight currently is what it was in August.

I KNOW I will gain weight with this pregnancy, I just got concerned when those 5 lbs went on rather quickly!!! My doctor said I should only gain 25 lbs, at this rate, I don't know if I can do that. Hopefully, my ridiculous hunger will subside here soon! The other morning my DH made us pancakes and I had 4! Never in my life have I eaten 4 pancakes! J even looked at me in shock! I guess all I can say is 'oink'!

I guess my only other observation of this pregnancy so far is my GI system. Without grossing you all out, things have been very unhappy in GI-ville. I seem to fluctuate from constipation to the opposite. I'm trying to do the small frequent meals thing, but by dinner I am starving. About an hour after dinner, I have a terrible stomach ache that usually lasts until I fall asleep. I guess the hormones slow down digestion, and wow, is it uncomfortable! I was prepared for fatigue & nausea, but the GI thing is interesting, to say in the least! I'll just keep popping my magnesium & colace, it's all I can do!

I think that is everything going on. I only have 2 more weeks of PIO to go, I'm still tempted to post a pic of what my allergic reaction looks like! My poor itchy butt! I can't wait to get to the second trimester, and hopefully get a little energy back! But if I don't, whatever. I have wanted this pregnancy for 6 years, and will get through this with a smile!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

8w2d Ultrasound

2011-11-05T08:43:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was my 3rd ultrasound since we found out I was pregnant. I was just as
nervous yesterday as I have been. I wish I didn't feel so anxious, but just can't seem to help it! I guess in the back of my mind, I've known several bloggers who have seen a heartbeat only to no longer see one at 8 weeks. Which is so completely devastating in my book. Another person well known to me had multiple miscarriages around the 8 week mark. I guess that is what has been in my psyche all week.

J was able to come with me yesterday to my appointment. My regular OB was out of town, so I was seeing one of his partners. She was running 30 mins behind & I was getting more & more antsy. I even considered putting the wand in myself for a sneak peek! Ridiculous, right? The doctor finally came in & was very sweet & understanding. She didn't have my chart, so I had to give the 2 cent version of things. She said one of her close friends was currently going through infertility, and the IVF process & gets all the angst that goes along with it!

She put the wand in & Sh.rek is much bigger this time! The heartbeat still looked strong. She wasn't used to using this particular U/S machine, so her first measurement was a little off. The second measurement was a day behind, which she said was fine. (of course it still freaks me out just a tiny bit, even though I KNOW that the measurements aren't as accurate when they are this small!)

The doctor said it's fine to start exercising & having sex. J liked hearing that! We'll see about that :) I've been so fortunate in having no spotting or cramping, I don't want to upset things with s.e.x. Another irrational thought, I am sure! The doctor said if I need any reassurance, I could always swing by the office any time. How nice was she?

I just got my fetal Doppler yesterday. I know it's early to be able to pick up a heartbeat, I'll probably try sometime the end of next week. It will make me feel a lot better when I am able to hear the heartbeat at home!

Last night was my monthly girl's happy hour & they were all super happy for me. One of the girls gave me a book for baby Sh.rek as a present. It was so nice of her! It just doesn't feel real to me yet. I haven't even dared to look at baby stuff yet. I'm afraid to jinx things, which is completely silly. I might lighten up here once we get out of the first trimester!

Otherwise things are good. Other than crazy sore boobs, fatigue, & some bloating, I feel really good. I feel very blessed so far. The best thing so far is seeing how excited my husband is about it! I never expected to see him be so happy & into it. It really makes me smile. My husband will be an incredible father. I can't wait!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-30T19:00:00.005-07:00

L and T dog wanted to say Happy Halloween! Never mind the stink eye L dog is giving....He was a little reluctant to model for the camera. T dog was a ham, and a very proud Black Bumble Bee:)

7w1d ultrasound

2011-10-29T07:35:00.001-07:00

Sorry for not updating sooner, I've been ridiculously tired. Wow, I have heard of the 1st trimester fatigue, but I never knew how significant it is!!! Not complaining, just can't keep my eyes open the minute I get home from work! Especially on surgery days, I want to crawl on a gurney in between patients & sleep :)

Anyways, I had another ultrasound on Thursday at lunchtime. J couldn't go, so I invited my mom to come. She was ridiculously excited! When the doctor put in the wand & the baby came up on the screen, my mom exclaimed "Oh, Wow!". My GYN then pointed out the heartbeat & said to my mom "here is your grandchild". My mom was in grandmother hog heaven!
I videoed the ultrasound on my phone so J could see it later. He was really bummed that he couldn't be there (which is kind of sweet)!

Sh.rek was measuring exactly 7w1d which is what I was on Thursday. The heartbeat was in the 160's. The picture I got was crummy as this machine is old :( I still would rather have a subpar machine for free, then pay $300 per ultrasound at the RE's office, you know? As long as I can see the heart beating, I'm happy.

It all still doesn't feel real to me. I'm trying to get over this anxiety, which probably won't subside until I feel movement! I am thinking of getting a Doppler for in between visits, to ease some of this unrest! My next ultrasound will be next Friday. My clinic wants 3 ultrasounds one at 6w, 7w, and 8w. I'm thankful the OB/GYN is so accommodating!

Other than the severe fatigue, my boobs are out of control! Not only bigger, but painful. My sense of smell is killing me at work & at the hospital! Why must all my old lady patients wear the most hideous of perfumes? I had to take a Zofran Tuesday & Wednesday, but did ok without it on Thursday & Friday. It works great, but does a number on bowel function!

So, that is my scoop. Still doing well, baby Shr.ek still growing! I did a photo shoot with the dogs in their Halloween costumes yesterday :). I will share those this weekend. I know the black lab is onto my pregnancy, the yellow one, not so much...His sniffer is a little defective. I love them both anyway.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

200th post & ultrasound reveal

2011-10-21T11:36:00.001-07:00

First of all, this is my 200th post! When I started this blog in April of 2009, I was already seasoned in the infertility world. Little did I know I would go on to another IVF and FET failure. I had just about given up hope until I started researching donor eggs. After meeting a fellow blogger who was pursuing it, she really inspired me to give it a try! Also, with the help of some therapy visits, I established that I would be miserable if I was never to be a mother.

This cycle has gone very well so far. With my high beta numbers I thought for SURE, I would be having twins! But, today's ultrasound revealed only.............

One little heartbeat, yolk sac, and fetal pole!

I have such mixed emotions right now. I am THRILLED to have a heartbeat & normal looking embryo (fetus? Dunno). I was so preparing myself for two or nothing. Yes, my mind is a little messed up right now! I am happy to not carry a twin pregnancy, but a little sad too. I am so grateful for this little beating heart and I pray it continues to develop properly!

The ultrasound machine at my OB/GYN's office isn't the best so the picture is pretty grainy. My OB/GYN is great & didn't bat an eye at agreeing to weekly ultrasounds for the next 3 weeks per my RE clinic's protocol. I did laugh at him when he walked in & asked me if this pregnancy was spontaneous. Ha ha ha ha! He then looked down at the chart & saw the IVF written down. He agrees that my Due date will be June 13, 2012. I also scored a script for Zofran :) I do NOT want to puke in the OR! I almost lost it this morning when I made rounds & my patient was digging into an omlette. It smelled soooo bad, I had to move closer to the doorway while talking to the patient!

So that is my scoop! If you want to see the ultrasound pic, you can see it on Twitter. I don't want to upset anyone by plastering pics on my blog. Thanks for getting me through this week, my anxiety has been through the roof! If I could just get through this first trimester...I'm just taking it one day at a time, thankful to be this far along.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

5w5d ramblings

2011-10-17T19:43:00.001-07:00

I am just waiting for my ultrasound on Friday. I am having all kinds of anxiety while waiting. What if nothing is in there? What if there is no heartbeat? The what-if-game is pretty counterproductive. There is no reason to not believe in this pregnancy. I'm just afraid of my body not knowing what to do, silly I'm sure. It's hard to not compare this cycle to my previous failures which is complete apples to oranges.

I still have crazy sore boobs. I'm feeling more fatigued, yesterday I barely made it off the couch all day! J asked if I wanted to go to the gym yesterday & I laughed! Besides being tired, I am way too worried about what is doing in my ute to exercise! The RE's office told me to skip cardio & weights until the ultrasound anyway.

Today we had a birthday cake in the office & I almost got sick after 2 bites. It was sickeningly sweet. It turns out right now I am only craving salt. Sweets are out, which is so unlike me! I usually love me some cake!

I'm hoping all of these little symptoms are signs that my numbers are still developing & there is a healthy baby/ies growing inside of me! The high of the +betas has worn off & now I'm super anxious :(

A close girlfriend of my told me she is 9 weeks pregnant today. She had just become pregnant with her now 2 year old when I was doing my first IVF cycle. We had such hopes of being pregnant together. Now we are both actually pregnant together & I'm scared something will happen to my pregnancy & her second child will be another benchmark baby to me. Don't get me wrong, I am so excited for her news! I love her little girl to pieces, it just takes me back to other failures.

I just have to keep trying to believe in this process. That is all I can do, other than pray my brains out for a good outcome on Friday! Enough of my anxious babbling...time to inject another round of PIO that I am still very allergic to! I will update on Friday after my ultrasound appointment. Did any of you have these anxieties during the second 2ww?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

I think this might be happening (aka Beta #2)

2011-10-11T16:18:00.001-07:00

I got my labs drawn this morning at the hospital I work at. It was quite the process, but I got it done! After my second case, I hopped on the computer to look up my beta HCG and it was.........2775!!!! I think this might actually be happening!

I then called my regular OB/GYN's office & spoke to the nurse. She is such a sweetheart & was thrilled to hear the news. I've been going to this office for 6 years now, & have been trying to get pregnant almost as long! The irony is, my GYN & his wife went through IVF and has 3 yr old twins! So, at least he has some understanding about the IVF process!

I am all set up for my first ultrasound on 10/21 @ 8am with my regular OB/GYN!
I am beyond thrilled to have my first ultrasound there! I have such a bad taste in my mouth with my local RE and his negligence. Plus if I did it at his facility, it would be his ultrasound tech doing it, not the doctor.

I turn 5 weeks tomorrow. I caught a gnarly cold yesterday & am feeling like garbage! It sucks not being able to take any decongestants! But will deal with it!
I'm hoping tonight I will be able to breathe when I lie down. Anywho, did I mention today's number was 2775??? I figured out that is a doubling time of 42 hours! So far, so good! I still need to find that beta graph & plot my numbers to see how far above singleton I am...maybe I'll do that now!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

What's next

2011-10-09T17:37:00.001-07:00

I forgot to mention in my last post, my next beta blood draw will be this coming Tuesday. Since 48 hours from my Friday draw fell on Sunday, they want another 48 hours to pass before I get checked again. In order to get a semi early blood draw on Tuesday, I am going to have to race down to the hospital lab in between cases. I am praying they don't take too long....they are notoriously slow, especially registering you. Sigh.

I'm hoping for another great number. You all would be proud of me, I haven't POAS since Friday morning! I am trying to keep the faith in the process and hope for the best! These are nice looking embryos, no need to dwell on all the bad things that can happen, right?

My only symptoms right now are sore boobs, constant hunger, & dizziness. I went to Ga.p Body today and got some soft stretchy bras to wear at night. I feel like I will not be comfortable buying anything other than some loose tops until waaaayyyyy down the road! It's hard to not want to start looking at things, maybe after I have a couple of ultrasounds under my belt!

It's been a nice weekend. I can tell that J is excited. I overheard him on the phone with a couple of different people & I could hear excitement in his voice. I can't tell you how good it is to hear some levity in regards to our infertility treatments! I am so thankful he was willing to go the donor egg route. I think we both felt that being a parent trumped my DNA. It took a while to embrace DE, but I am so happy we did!

I'll update once I get beta #2 results. Fingers crossed this happiness continues! October 21 can not come soon enough for the ultrasound!!!
OK, back to watching football, which is totally my happy place :). Thanks again for all the congrats! It literally makes my day!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Beta #1

2011-10-07T15:56:00.001-07:00

Soooo, I went to the lab this morning to get my blood drawn. I didn't get there as early as I wanted due to making rounds & scrubbing in surgery. I still made it to the lab by 9am. When I checked in, I asked I'd they would copy my lab results to my office (cause I'm sneaky like that). I asked one of the girls at my office to stalk the fax machine for me.

Sure enough, my labs came to the office a good hour and a half before the clinic called:) Are you ready for the numbers.......

HCG 582
Progesterone 62

It looks like I am very pregnant my friends! I am beyond thrilled and thankful! We told the family and everyone is very happy for us. I told my boss yesterday and he said " congratulations, I know you worked hard for this."
Um, yeah! I know he is happy for me, he is just already dwelling on my maternity leave....

I just continue to pray for a healthy pregnancy whether it be one or two babies in there...but with a beta that high, I'm thinking 2. Time will tell of course. Our first ultrasound should be in 2 weeks on 10/21/11. Now I move onto the next two week wait. Just so damn happy to have made it this far. Thanks for all your responses! It's awesome after five and a half years, I FINALLY have good news to share! I need to go and get ready for a non-alcoholic celebration with my hubs!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Wordless Wednesday

2011-10-05T10:04:00.002-07:00

I love October!

2011-10-04T09:48:00.001-07:00

The title says it all! October is by far my favorite month of the year! J and I celebrated our anniversary this year in the mountains of Utah. It was absolutely gorgeous there with the fall colors & perfect sunny weather with a tiny chill in the air.

We first went through Zi.on National Park. It was super cool...I will load some pictures later this week! We then stayed at Sno.wbird resort Sat & Sun. They had an Octoberfest going on which was more fun for J than me! No beer for me :( We also took the tram to the top of the mountain. It was really cold up there! J was bummed when I told him we couldn't mountain bike down. I don't think mountain biking is a good idea during the 2ww! I also had to put the kibosh on the alpine slides! I know, I am so unreasonable!

Sunday was our anniversary. J & I talked about POAS & he did not want me to test until Tuesday (today)! I really had to know though. It just so happened that I had to go change clothes while he stayed at Octoberfest watching the German band. I got to the room & whipped out my 3 pack FRER & tested. I walked away & changed clothes. I thought I was going to throw up going back to the bathroom! I looked at the stick & clearly 2 lines were present! Holycrap! Holycrap! Is this really happening to 5 year infertile me? Woo Hoo!

I kept my news to myself until right before J & I went out to a fancy dinner. I gave him a card & after he read it I told him I had a surprise for him. He looked at me & said "Jay, what did you do? Did you test?" I sheepishly said yes & there was 2 lines! I dug my HPT out of my bag & showed it to him. He was happy, but won't be totally convinced until we get our beta results on Friday. He also doesn't want me to tell any family until Friday. How can I not tell my mom? Torture!

So, our anniversary was great! We spent our last night in Park City. Another beautiful resort town.

The only bad thing about this trip has been the PIO. It turns out I am really allergic to sesame oil. I spoke to the nurse & will receive a shipment of PIO in olive oil on Wednesday. Meanwhile, I have been a itchy, welty mess! Both butt cheeks are angry! I have been taking a Benedryl at night to help with the itch & help me sleep!

So, that is our trip & my BFP in a nutshell. It doesn't seem real! I just pray for a strong number on Friday. I'm thinking if I have a pretty good line at 6dp5dt than the beta should be fine. Today's test at 8dp5dt was definitely darker. My name is Jay, and I can't stop testing! I'll post the picture of the tests when I get home. I'm cautious, but happy:)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

3dp5dt

2011-09-29T16:42:00.002-07:00

I can't believe I'm only 3dp5dt! Time is moving by so slowly! I haven't had much in the way of what I would call "symptoms" yet. I feel very minor twinges in my uterus. The last two afternoons, I've had a headache. I did break down today and take a tylenol which was minimally helpful. I'm sleeping terribly, probably due to the Prednisone, which I am now done taking! YAY! I've been waking frequently and am wide awake at 5am (which pleases my yellow lab porker who thinks I am going to get out of bed and feed him!)

All my other IVF cycles and FET, I had to do both PIO and progesterone suppositories. This time I only have to do PIO, so it seems like I have less progesterone side effects as a result. I am having that fun PIO side effect of constipation though. I've upped my magnesium and colace with marginal results. And of course my butt cheeks are starting to ache, but if it gives me a successful pregnancy, than so what!!!

Things are still pretty tense for me in regards to work. My boss is still pissed I missed surgery this past Monday & Tuesday due to embryo transfer and bedrest. To make matters worse, my vacation starts tomorrow through next Wednesday. I am being made to feel that I am an asshole for taking the vacation (it's our 7 yr anniversary) because I have already inconvienced everyone for my time our for the IVF. Sure I could cancel our reservations, but shit! I have a lot of vacation time left for the year, and it doesn't carry over! Plus, this is right before our really busy time at work again. I cannot win, and I'm trying hard no to stress over it, but it's really hard. I'm a people pleaser, but I need this time off with J to relax and celebrate us as a couple, you know?

The other debate is when to PAOS. J wants me to at least wait until after our actual anniversary 10/2. 10/2 is 6dp5dt so kind of early to test, but oh so tempting! By 10/3, I'm going to have to do it, it will kill me not to! I got to remember to pack my HPT's in my bag in a secret, sacred place :)

So that is what's doing with me. Not a lot of symptoms, just some stress! Hopefully acupuncture tonight will relieve some stress before we leave. I don't know what the wifi situation is going to be where we are going, so there might not be an update until Wednesday. We'll see though. Still praying like crazy that Shr.ek and Donkey stick...or atleast one of them stick!

Frostie Update!

2011-09-27T17:15:00.001-07:00

The Embryology lab called me this afternoon, and guess what? We have 8 blastocysts on ice! Holy crap! This far exceeded my expectations! The other 2 recipients who used my donor before me, only had 2 frosties each. I feel like I won the embryo lottery! I am beyond thrilled!

I had a nice day with my Mom today. We watched 2 chick movies, went to CPK for lunch & even ordered the brownie sundae for dessert! It's hard not to be in a celebratory mood, even if this cycle doesn't work out. My Mom stared at my picture of all the embryos, she is so excited. I am so surprised how accepting she is of using a donor. She really wants to be a grandma! I hope this doesn't turn out to be a disappointment. But, not going to go there. This is going to work!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Yesterday in iphone pics :)

2011-09-27T08:16:00.009-07:00

Someday I will become smart enough to know how to label photos on my blog! The pics are as follows:
1. Legs up on the drive home (Libby, see there was a trucker checking me out!)
2. The happy couple
3. Shre.k and Donkey on the screen projected from the lab
4. Happy Me
5. Sh.rek
6. Donkey

I am taking it easy today, hanging out with my boys L and T dog. Mom will be over later for lunch and is bringing dinner. She is the best! I had a lot of cramping yesterday, but so far today is nothing to report. The most shocking thing is my weight! Estrogen must really increase your metabolism, I am down another pound! I don't know why, but I will take it!

I head back to work tomorrow and hopefully it won't be too stressful...yeah, right!
I should hear from the Embryology lab later on today to hear how many frosties we have. I just ate my pineapple this morning, core and all. I figure I would induldge that wives tale for implantation, why not? So, nothing to report about
1dp5dt, except pineapple core tastes like ass!!!

Embryo Transfer

2011-09-26T11:31:00.001-07:00

Today was the day! We got to the clinic bright & early at 7:45. We signed some consent forms first. Then the Embryologist came in with a blown up picture of all our embryos. It was pretty cool to see them all! My old clinic never had pictures or anything (kind of shady the more I think about it!).

Anyways, the Embryologist showed us the 2 expanded blastocysts she thought we should transfer. She said they were good quality, AND........
we may have 4 to 8 frosties left over! That is excellent news! I love knowing we have back up embies, it takes some pressure off a little!

We named the 2 blasts Sh.rek & Donkey ;). What happier duo is there? "and in the morning, waffles!". J came up with the names, you gotta love my man child!

So, the acupuncture went well. The pre transfer session was to "open myself & receive these embryos". It made me want to giggle. Especially with J right next to me! Her tone sounded so p.orn.o.graphic! Ha ha ha

The Embryologist puts the 2 embies up on the screen & them you see them draw them up into the catheter. The RE did the transfer with the wand:( There was some cramping during the procedure which lasted about 15 minutes. At least I didn't have to have a full bladder like last time!

After the transfer was complete, the acupuncturist came in and did some "calming" needles. This lasted about 30 minutes. I then sat up and got dressed & finally peed!

I got the post procedure orders which are WAY more lax than my old clinic! They even allow sex! I hope J didn't hear that part (wink, wink). The lady oven needs a temporary break! Sheesh!

I have cell phone pics of all these good times to share. I'll try to post them once we get home. Right now I am laying in the back seat of the car, with my legs up! It can't hurt, right? Snuggle in little Shr.ek & Donkey! You will be loved :)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Day 4 Embryo Report

2011-09-25T12:51:00.001-07:00

The Petrie dish Jayembies are still developing well :). My Dad is watching L & T dog for us while we are out here for transfer. He sent me a text wishing me well. I texted back telling him his Petrie dish grandchildren were doing well. Too bad that may be the only children I can muster! Hopefully not, I need to stay positive here!

Here are the details:

5 Morulas
6 compacting Morulas
1 12 cells fair
3 10 cells 1 good, 2 fair
2 8 cells fair
1 7 cells fair
1 4 cells good

I got the voicemail on my phone & accidentally erased the message. Stupid sensitive touch screen! Anyways, I called the lab & spoke to one of the Embryologists. She told me that my RE won't be there for my transfer, but his partner will be. His partner looks to be about the same age as my RE, so I'm not too worried about his experience :)

I'm starting to feel sick-to-my-stomach nerves. There is no reason to believe that we won't have some beautiful blasts to transfer tomorrow. I just want this to work. Too bad I can't drink or take a Valium, cause I sure could use it right about now!

Thanks again for all of your motivational messages & tweets, it means the world to me. I am so happy for you all to be holding my hand through this cycle. You are the best....I love you man!

OK, time for some football! Next time I update, I will be PUPO! Whoo hooo!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Day 3 Embryo Report

2011-09-24T11:52:00.001-07:00

Here is today's update I got via voicemail. I was too busy driving the car & eating Corn-nuts to pick up :) I'm about to move on to Red Vines!

According to the literature they gave us, today's embryos should be between four to eight cells. Tomorrow they should begin compacting to the Morula stage. Here are today's stats:

5 eight cells
1 seven cells
9 six cells
2 five cells
1 four cells
1 two cells

All are in the good to fair quality with little to no fragmentation! My embryo transfer will be @ 8:45 Monday morning, with a check in at 7:45 so I can meet with Embryology & have my pre-transfer acupuncture. The acupuncturist keeps stressing that I eat a full breakfast & to bring warm socks. Um, ok, I can do that!

It looks like we are still doing well in the petrie dish, which is a huge relief! The last couple of days I've been thinking about the other IVF's at this point, & it was always bleak! Thank God for donor eggs!

Oh, last Wednesday I gave my thank you card with the Crat.e & Barre.l gift card in it to my nurse to give to the donor. I found a beautiful card at Ta.rget made by Pa.pyrus. Pa.pyrus's symbol is the hummingbird. They had a little card within the card explaining that the hummingbird symbolizes hope & new beginnings, how appropriate is that? I hope she enjoys it. I just wrote a brief note thanking her for her sacrifices & after 5.5 years of trying to become pregnant, she IS the reason we have hope! I hope she can find something for her kitchen with the gift card, her bio said she loved to cook (I sure don't)!

We have a couple of more hours to go before we get there. My low back is giving me the middle finger due to all this driving in one week! I'll have to snuggle up with my heating pad later on this evening:)

I can't wait to welcome these embryos home on Monday! It is high time for me to be a mother, don't you think?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Day 2 Embryo Update

2011-09-23T14:33:00.001-07:00

Here is the report from the Embryologist today!

18 of the 19 fertilized embryos are still developing (RIP #19)

Of the 18 embryos:
13 are four cell embryos
~4 are Good quality (their top rating)
~9 are Fair quality (Embryologist said fair is the most common, not a bad thing)

5 are two cell embryos
~all are Fair quality

The best news is that out of all 18 embryos, there is little to no fragmentation! This puts us on track for a five day transfer!!!

She said so far, the embryos are overachievers :). I went back and read my fert report from IVF #2 for perspective. I had 18 eggs, 11 mature and only 7 fertilized. We never got past the morula phase with my eggs. I remember how crushed I was and how little hope I had by transfer.

Using donor eggs is such a different experience. I feel like it has taken a lot of pressure off me. Is that weird? After 2 IVF failures, there was a lot of self loathing, it's great to not feel that way this go around...at least not yet! I hope I don't come off as bragging, I am just giddy that the embryos are actually dividing the way they should!

J and I will drive out tomorrow morning, that way we can relax on Sunday & watch football. Priorities, you know! I have set up acupuncture at the clinic for Monday before and after embryo transfer. I figure I need all the help I can get!

I spoke to my office manager yesterday about all that went down on Monday, and she had my back 100%. She said she was going to talk to my doctor and set him straight. I think he already feels bad about his choice of words on Monday. He wished me luck today for my transfer, it *seemed* sincere...Whatevs. I have to make a baby here, I can't get caught up in his negative energy, RIGHT?

Ok, the progesterone is already making me feel tired! I feel a nap coming on. Then I need to get up and pack my bags for the 3rd time this week. Let's hope it's all worth it in the end! Super grateful for these embryos!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Fertilization Report

2011-09-22T12:17:00.002-07:00

I got a message from the Embryology lab this morning. Of course they called when
I stepped away from my phone! Anyways, Out of the 22 mature follicles, 19 of them fertilized :) That is excellent news in my book! I will get
another call tomorrow afternoon with how the embryos are developing. They expect the embies to be 2-4 cells by tomorrow and will start grading them as well.

I am getting excited for these embryos, grow babies, grow! J is a proud peacock that his SuperSperm did the job. The work isn't done yet dear husband! It's good for his ego though! Poor guy had to do some hard work in that cold exam room...lol!
He said the literature provided was sufficient :)

Funny story, my SIL asked if I was going to sneak in lotion to J's room. I said no, there is no lotion, spit, lube, nothing. I said J was going to have a dry rub. My SIL then runs out to J and said "You have to do a dry rub?" J was not thrilled hearing that from his own sister! So, last night he called them and said the cycle was cancelled due to his inability to provide a sperm sample, because he kept hearing his sister's voice in his head. I think SIL got the point to shut up...

I will update daily after I get the embryo report. So far, so good! We made some babies yesterday!!!

Donor Egg Retrieval edited

2011-09-21T15:06:00.001-07:00

So much to tell you guy's, I will do my best via my iPhone! I will start with the good news first. Donor 2.0 had her egg retrieval this morning AND she had 32 follicles!!! They said this was her best cycle to date! The embryology lab will call me this afternoon letting me know how many of these eggs are actually mature. The Embryologist said the maturity rate is around 70%. I guess that would put the mature eggs to be around 20? I'll edit this post when I found out.

I got to speak with the RE again today. Both J and I agree he is nice & sooooo much better than our local RE. It's nice to feel a little confidence in my RE again! He is great about answering questions & never makes you feel rushed.

I also got to sit down with the nurse and go over the remaining protocol. I am to start PIO injections tonight, oh joy! I still prefer an injection over an icky, drippy mess...just sayin'. It was hard to listen to the nurse talk about the plans once there is a positive HCG test. She seems so confident, I wish I felt that way. Infertility has killed my ability to believe :(

We drove out after work last night and got in after 11pm. The bed we were in last night was not comfy! I didn't sleep too well, I'm sure once the progesterone is on board, I will sleep much better! I will be happy to be in my own bed tonight!

Depending on if we do a day three transfer or a day five transfer, our transfer will be either this Saturday or Monday. Let's pray for some day five blastocysts!!!

Our beta will be October 7th, which is 2 weeks from tomorrow! Eeep! It still doesn't feel totally real yet! I feel like I am in some kind of survivor mode and not letting myself really feel anything. Can previous infertility failures cause PTSD? hmmmm.....

This past Monday was rough. My doctor (whom I work for) had a major tantrum. I am trying to move past it, but he was really pissed off I am going to be out of the office next Monday & Tuesday. He said the delays and my cycle was "stupid" and couldn't believe I had to miss work today for retrieval. I explained it was their protocol that I had to be there for an ultrasound. He said "I guess this is just a sign of things to come" (implying that I will miss all this work due to pregnancy). I went straight to my desk & started crying. Damn estrogen didn't help me to NOT cry!

I know my doctor is very reliant on me, but as someone who experienced infertility himself, I could NOT believe how insensitive his comments were! Men! To be honest, I am glad our cycle got pushed back another day, because now bed-rest will fall on Monday & Tuesday which I would normally be in surgery over-doing things physically!

Yesterday my doctor was being nice and his tantrum has passed. This is why I was so bummed the schedule was changed, because I knew he would act this way. It happened during my IVF cycles as well. Some things are so predictable! The dust has settled, but my feelings are hurt. Whatevs...

Oh, the other good news is my lining is up to 11mm with a triple stripe! The RE said my uterus was beautiful! *blush* Ladies, my 38 year old lady oven (thanks Missy) still has got it ;) ha ha

The last thing that was weird this morning was what the RE said. He was looking intently at me & said your donor is great & is a perfect match physically for you. We both have blond hair (mine from a bottle of course :) but I think that is where the similarities end. It must be so weird to be the person in charge of seeing the donor & the recipient in one day!

OK, enough ramblings from the car! It's about my turn to take over driving :( I will get the fertilization report tomorrow morning with daily embryo updates! So far, so good....eeep!

*EDIT* The Embryologist called around 5:15 to say that out of the 32 eggs, 22 were mature. That's a great start!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Flying by the seat of my pants

2011-09-18T16:42:00.001-07:00

Donor 2.0 had another ultrasound this morning. She has 29 measurable follicles, with the largest ones being between 17-22mm. My RE wants her on stims one more day, and trigger tomorrow night. Soooo, that means egg retrieval will be Wednesday now. Sigh, it's just never easy for me, is it?

We decided to drive home this afternoon and work Monday & Tuesday. We will do the 6 hour drive back Tuesday night with our appointment for the retrieval Wednesday morning. We will drive back right after our appointment and work Thursday & Friday. We will drive back Saturday for our embryo transfer on Monday (if we make it to blast).

I know there is a lot of unpredictable factors when you or your donor is stimming. It is just hard to make last minute changes to my work schedule! Tomorrow I will try to reschedule all 24 pts that are on for Wednesday and try to see some of them tomorrow. I HATE doing that to patients. Must use the "family emergency" excuse! As in, I have no damn kids at 38 which is bordering on an emergency! Ha ha!

Thank God we have family & friends that we can stay with! Trying to reschedule hotel reservations might have been the breaking point!

I won't have another update until egg retrieval on Wednesday. Meanwhile, I am going to TRY to be a nice person while on 10mg of Estrace! This cycle has been all about flying by the seat of my pants, why would that change now???

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Lining check

2011-09-18T07:16:00.001-07:00

I had my lining checked yesterday morning at my actual clinic I am cycling with! I had my blood drawn & then headed into an exam room for the ultrasound. I think it is universal that the decor in the RE's office is bad! Anywho, my lining measured a nice 9mm which the nurse said was great. She said that anything over 8mm is great. That there was no studies showing that the thicker the lining, the better.

As I left, I got the pleasure to write a check for more money than I've ever handed over at one time. I think this even includes the down payment on my home!!! It's hard not to cringe over how much this is costing us. I still debated on doing the "success guarantee" program, but it doesn't make sense to drop an additional 7K right now. I pray I made the right decision!

Donor 2.0 has her last ultrasound this morning, and will most likely trigger tonight. I was a little stressed that she is getting pushed back a day, but if this means more mature follicles, then I'll wait!!! I already let my employer know that I will be out through Tuesday & got coverage for me. The nurse offered for me to go home & work on Monday & then drive back Monday night. Um, no. We drove 6 hours to get here, we will stay until egg retrieval!

If we are blessed enough to get our embryos to blastocyst, then we will have our 5 day transfer on Sunday, if day three transfer, then it would be on Friday. I still have a hard time imagining our embryos making it to blast, because they never did before!!! I just have to remind myself, that is why we are using a 26 year old's eggs! I also pray that J's sperm are OK, and not wonky. He takes a couple of prescription medications that probably are not the best for sperm.

See what some spare time before the egg retrieval can do to your mind??? It's either going to work or not, I have no control over the situation at this point. All I can do know is pray this works, without losing my mind in this process!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Timing

2011-09-14T21:41:00.002-07:00

Today kicked my butt! I woke up late, got to work a little late, ran a little late with patients... You get the drift. Some days, timing just isn't your thing! Maybe because it's dark out now when my alarm goes off, it just makes it sooo much harder to get out of bed. Of course, L and T dog don't let me sleep in, they want food, NOW!!! If I mess with their breakfast, I am messing with their emotions!

Anyways, I was waiting patiently (kinda/sorta) for the nurse to contact me regarding Donor 2.0's second ultrasound to do a follicle check. The nurse emailed me around 3pm and said the Donor 2.0's ultrasound went well. She has 20 measurable follicles ranging form 12-15mm in size. Not too shabby. The nurse "thinks" that we will still have egg retrieval on Monday 9/19.

I don't mean to sound totally whiny and boo hoo-ish, BUT it is really hard not knowing exactly what days I am going to miss work. I am debating on finding someone to cover me in the OR on Tuesday in the event our retrieval gets pushed back a day. I guess we can always cancel on that person on Monday, if need be. It's so stressful for me to call in last minute. Plus, I always get grief from my doctor when I miss surgery days. I keep thinking that if Donor 2.0's follies are already around 15mm on Wednesday, then we will definitely be ready for retrieval on Monday, right?

Right after the nurse emailed me the details of Donor 2.0's ultrasound, she sent me another email stating that she thinks we should do another ultrasound of me on Friday. She was a little concerned about my lining only being 6mm on Monday. After a million emails back in forth this afternoon (seriously, it was killing me, I had 13patients to see this afternoon!) We decided that I will up my Estrogen today to 8mg and then increase the Estrogen again on Saturday to 10mg. I will have an ultrasound at their clinic on Saturday morning for a lining check, if it still isn't perfect, then the nurse will give me an IM injection of estradiol to give me a little boost!

Seriously, J should run far, far away! Again, I don't think we need to panic about my lining. It doubled in size in 5 days of Estrace and while still be suppressed on Lupron. But, better to be safe than sorry! So, I have an ultrasound there on Saturday morning as well as Monday morning. I have been still doing acupuncture as well. Sheesh! This means we get to do the 6 hour drive there Friday afternoon instead of Saturday morning. Which means I get to pack tomorrow after a long day.
This is worth it, it just is exhausting to juggle everything!

I still need to run out and get a proper Thank you card for my donor. I still need to think of the right things to say without sounding cheesy. My nurse said she would deliver the card to her, I just need to make sure there is no identifying factors in my letter. So, I get to sign the letter, Sincerely, Intended Parents.
Weird, huh? But anonymous is anonymous!

OK, I need to hit the hay. I just wanted to give an update on Donor 2.0's progress and that I am not in a zen state right now! Have I mentioned that my anniversary is October 2nd, and I will be 8dp5dt then if all goes according to plan? J and I are going away for our anniversary and you know I will break down and PAOS! What if I get a negative? It would be so disappointing...for both of us. I'm trying to stay positive, but it is so hard being that I am a repeat ART failure. Deep breaths Jay, deep breaths!

Ultrasound #2

2011-09-12T20:25:00.002-07:00

My second ultrasound was today. My lining is up to 6mm, which is ok for only 5 days of Estrace. I will up my Estrace dose to 6mg a day tomorrow and then 8mg/day on Friday. I'm not too worked up over the lining, as my lining was up to 11mm during my mock cycle. Plus, I still have a week and a half to thicken my lady oven up :)

The best news of the day is......I get to STOP Lupron! Yay, the headache gods are smiling. I am praying that when I wake up tomorrow, I will not have a pounding headache. It would make my day in surgery so much more pleasant!

So, last week my weight was WAY up? This week it is down to my lowest weight ever. WTH? So weird, but I will take it! I was major fluid retention girl last week with my period and Lupron. The Estrace must be working as a diuretic or something? It also helps that I have been working out this week and watching my calorie intake...

My donor has her next ultrasound on Wednesday. I am looking forward to hearing how her follicles are developing. I am praying that retrieval is on Monday for work reasons, but whatever. We will make it work. I need to figure out a little gift to her as a thank you. She mentioned in her bio that she loves to cook. I was thinking a little gift card to Cr.ate and Ba.rrel. They have lots of fun things for the kitchen. Will.iams and S.onoma is way too expensive, IMO.

J and I also lucked out in the finances department. My in-laws are going to give us and interest free loan for the rest of the money that we need for this cycle. This is going to be a huge savings to us, especially since my credit cards have an 8.9% interest! I am a little bugged about owing them money, but you gotta do, what you gotta do! Right? My money tree has gone missing again.

I can't believe retrieval might be a week from today! So hard to believe! I am praying my brains out it all goes well. If not, I will be hitting many an Octoberfest, getting sloppy drunk in my Lederhosen! Not a pretty picture, if you ask me!

Thank you all so much for your kind words of encouragement! It means so much, and makes me feel like I am not in this alone. Let's hope I come back with a W! Sorry, too much football watching this past weekend. It is a good distraction for me. Will update again on Wednesday!

Donor 2.0 baseline ultrasound

2011-09-08T15:06:00.002-07:00

I just received an email from the IVF nurse at my clinic regarding Donor 2.0's baseline ultrasound.

Dear Jay,

Donor 2.0 was seen today for her baseline ultrasound. She has approximately 30 resting follicles, and her hormones are nice and low. This is great news and we are on track to have her start her injections over the weekend. We will see her again on Wednesday and update you then.

30 resting follicles. I think I have an egg boner over here! Ha ha, sorry to be crude, but I never had more than 10 resting follicles in all of my IVF good times! God bless my 26 year old donor, I heart her!

So, I have another ultrasound on Monday to check my lining and hormones. I took my first Estrace last night. I woke up at 2am so uncomfortable, finally fell back asleep an hour later. The headaches continue, I am praying they start to subside here soon!

I am super excited my donor is starting stims this weekend! OMG, this is about to really start! After 2 years of waiting and praying of "what to do next" our moment has finally arrived. I am getting excited, It hasn't felt real up until now. I made my appointment for my ultrasound on the day of egg retrieval. I am so looking forward to finally be seen at my out of state clinic. I have so much more trust in them than my local clinic! As I am sure you could tell from my last post :)

Now, I just want to say that I know that 30 resting follicles does not result in 30 mature eggs, But it is a great start for sure! Just a little giddy over here in babydroughtland. It has been a loooonnnnnnggggg time since I felt "the giddy", I have missed that feeling. Let's hope it continues....

All is quiet on the lady part front :)

2011-09-07T16:20:00.002-07:00

I had my baseline ultrasound this morning. I chose the earliest time available 7:15am. That way I could get wanded and get to work, right? The ultrasound tech didn't stroll in until 7:46am. I also had to tell her that my name was incorrect on the screen. *rolls eyes* I cannot stress enough how important it is to be your own advocate in medicine!!! I am so OVER my old clinic, can you tell?

Anyways, the lining looked thin, I asked the mm and she didn't know. I looked at the measurements when we were done, and it was 2.3mm, which is normal after a period.
My ovaries were quiet as little church mice :) No whore cysts this time, so excited!
I guess being on BCP's for 4 months has some benefit to it!

I got my estrogen and progesterone drawn, which I am assuming is all good. I just got the email from the IVF nurse with my protocol. I start my first Estrace tonight. The even better news, is that I can drop my Lupron dose to 10 units! Hallelujah! I can't begin to describe how awful these headaches have been over the last 10 days! Seriously debilitating! My hats off to migraine sufferers out there! I want to cry every day, but don't because it would make my head hurt even worse!!!

I am pretty certain my donor is getting her baseline ultrasound done tomorrow. The nurse said she would update me after her ultrasound. I was charged today for my donor's meds and they were delivered to the clinic today. It is so hard to believe this is happening! I am finally starting to feel some excitement!

I am totally off caffeine, except for the occasional Ex.cedrin. I have been going to acupuncture twice weekly for the last 3 weeks and will continue to do so until embryo transfer. I still need to find out if the clinic has an acupuncturist in house for my embryo transfer. If not, oh well. At least I have been doing the right thing leading up to embryo transfer!

My weight is up, but it feels like water weight. It is still disturbing getting on the scale, sigh. I know I always gain some weight during the IVF cycles due to hormones, it will go away if this cycle doesn't work. But it IS going to work, right? It has an 80% chance of working, please let me be in that 80% group for once! I am tired...But trying hard to maintain some positivity. No sense in going in with a bad attitude! My self pep talks need a little work!

So that is my update, will update again when I hear about Donor 2.0's ultrasound. My next ultrasound is on Monday 9/12/11. We'll see if the Estrace is starting to build my lining up:) The following Monday will be the projected egg retrieval. We will drive out early and hang out with friends. Then do everything on Monday at the clinc and drive home. Fingers crossed all is quiet in Donor 2.0's lady parts, and that she has A LOT of resting follicles!!!

Reunions

2011-09-05T20:08:00.004-07:00

I promised a post about my high school reunion, and here it is! The first pic is of J and I. Second one is my BFF from the 6th grade. Last pic is of me, dancing with myself (kinda like me in high school!) ha ha ha....

I was really dreading going to the reunion. For some reason, it just brought up a lot of old insecurities for me. It wasn't that I was unpopular in high school, I just wasn't anything special. I really felt like my life started once I left home for undergrad. I really grew up in college and made more lifelong friends there. I don't know if anyone feels that way about HS vs college?

So, anywho, it was interesting to see where everyone is at after 20 years. Of course, I got the do you have children question, but people were pretty respectful about that. I did get trapped in the ladies room, by a group of mommies (who were all showing off their ahem, augmentations :), they asked me if I had kids and I told them no. They just kind of looked at me and said, Oh! It was really AWK-WARD! And the 12 year old boy in me had a hard time not looking at their boobs! Ha ha. I dubbed them the "boobie brigade". Which is probably better than my group known as the "bitter brigade". At least I have a great career to be proud of! As well as an adorable DH and dogs :)

The women at the reunion have aged much better than the men. Almost all of the men looked like they started drinking alcohol the minute we graduated and have never stopped! Some of these guys that were H.O.T. in high school now look bloated and middle aged. So depressing to witness! One of my other guy friends from HS was there, and he is so bald. Like with the monk/friar look going on. Poor guy! At least his wife was cute!

There were several couples there that got married at 18, and are still married! One couple was about to celebrate their 20 year wedding anniversary! Holy crap, I can't imagine! A couple of girls there got pregnant our senior year, and they have 19 year olds! Totally mind blowing to me, especially since I haven't even gotten pregnant yet! Man, these reunions make you feel O.L.D!

So, I was glad that I went, but I don't know if I will go to another one. I did get to see a girlfriend there who I haven't seen in over 11 years. It was so great to see her and catch up. That alone, made the trip worth it. She too, felt anxious about going. I guess it wasn't just me.

That was the reunion low down, a couple of other crazy encounters, but nothing too shocking to share. I am just so glad it is over! I spent way too much energy thinking about it. Kind of silly, isn't it? I guess the angsty teenager still lives on inside a part of me. Maybe that is why I was listening to Depec.he M.ode the other day? Hmmmmm...

Cycle Update: The Lupron is absolutely killing me. Monster headaches every single day (borderline migraines really). I started AF yesterday in full force. My boobs are gigantic for no apparent reason. 2 weeks from today is possibly my donor's egg retrieval!!!!! 2 weeks people, can you even believe it???

Happy September

2011-09-01T09:13:00.004-07:00

I am so happy to FINALLY be in the same month as my donor egg IVF. Who hoo! I wish it felt like September here in the desert :( It has been in triple digit temps for weeks now, and it will continue through Labor day. I always miss California this time of year! Lupron hot flashes + 115* heat is not a super great combo, if you ask me!

So, Lupron, you sonofabitch. How I did NOT miss you! I have totally forgotten the intense headaches you give me. Within an hour of injecting you into my belly, my head was pounding. Awesome. I also stopped caffeine last Sunday, which has not helped my cause much! I have taken a few Ex.cedrin Migraine (with caffeine) to soften the blow of these headaches. BTW, it is super hard to be empathetic to patients complaining when you feel like your head might explode!!! That is the time in which I open my purse (mommy's little helper) and pop an Ex.cedrin :)

I also am taking my last dose of BCP tonight! My boobs are doing a happy dance at the meer thought of that! Since I haven't had a period in almost 6 weeks due to continuing on active BCP's, I can only imagine what my period will be like this holiday weekend. I just can't wait to be a bloated Betty in my bathing suit!

Next stop is my baseline ultrasound next Wednesday 9/7. I am crossing all things crossable there are no cysts present on my ovaries (there have been in the past). Hopefully with the extended BCP's and Lupron, the ovaries will be nice and quiet.

Tomorrow night J and I are going to the S.ade concert. I feel so old admitting that to you all. I love her music. We used the song "By Your Side" as our wedding song. The lyrics are really beautiful. I get emotional every time I hear that song. I am so lucky to have a husband who has stood by my side through all of this infertility nonsense! He is a keeper! I probably shouldn't have snapped at him last night...it was the drugs talking...I swear!

So, that is the latest. I would have updated sooner, but it hurt my head to even stare at a computer screen! Hopefully it will get better over the next couple of days as my body gets more used to the Lupron. I promise, this is the one and only post where I will incessantly whine about Lupron!

Oh, on a side note, I received an email from a lady who wanted me to contribute to an article regarding droughts. Really? Did you read my blog title? BABY DROUGHT, not desert drought! It gave me a good laugh! I thought you guys would appreciate it!

DEIVF cycle in full effect!

2011-08-22T16:36:00.003-07:00

I still need to do a post regarding my reunion, but I really need to give the updates to my DEIVF calendar! I am happy to report that we have an official timeline and the communication with the cl inc has improved greatly now that it is "go time"!

The schedule will be as follows:

Start Lupron 8/29 (which is like next MONDAY!!!)
Take last active BCP 9/1 (my boobs will be so happy)
1st U/S appointment 9/7 (to check lining and make sure no cysts are present)
2nd U/S appointment 9/12 and blood work
Last U/S appointment is on the day of my donor's egg retrieval which is projected to be 9/19/11.

The egg retrieval will be 9/24/11 if we get 5 day blastocyst (please, oh please) Of course, dates are subject to change if my baseline U/S shows a cyst or what not. Fingers crossed that my ovaries are nice and quiet, which they should being that I have been on BCP's for over 4 months now! I just got my TSH and prolactin results which were normal. My TSH was 1.21 and Prolactin was 14. I had a borderline high prolactin four years ago and was treated with brom.ocriptine for a brief amount of time. I did a little research, and I think my prolactin was elevated secondary to an anti-de.pressant I was on at the time. I never went back on it (although I could have used it in dealing with infertility!!!)

I have been on the phone this afternoon with 3 different pharmacies! I gave the pharmacy who supplies my donor her medication my billing information. It turns out when you are only 26 years old, you only need $2500 worth of stims vs the $5000 worth of stims my geriatric ass needed! Ha ha!

I am trying to get the Lupron from Costco, but there is a national back order. I am waiting to get a call back from the pharmacy tech to see if they can get the 2 week kit to their pharmacy by this Friday. If not, I will have to get it compounded at the evil Apothe.cary Shop. I hate, hate, hate the APS! They screwed me so bad during my IVF cycles, by billing the wrong insurance (and overcharging me and admitting to their mistake with no reimbursement). Mother effers....2 years later and I am still angry about it! If I get the Lupron from Cost.co it is $20, if I get it from evil APS, I would have to pay $120. Still a drop in the bucket compared to stims, but it is just the principle that evil APS charges so much more!

I already received a call from the evil APS regarding my PIO and possibly my Lupron (they compound the Lupron). She was chirpy and "welcomed me" to the APS. I guess when they overcharge their customers, they can pay for a phone greeter! Anyways, I told her I will call her back tomorrow if I can't get the medication from Cost.co. OK, getting off the soapbox now! Shit, cos.tco just called and they cannot get the Lupron :( Boooooo

So, my sweet bloggy friends, this is really happening! It has been almost 2 years since my last IVF cycle and chemical pregnancy! I am praying with everything I have that this cycle works. The IVF RN was explaining to me today about what follow up there will be after my positive test. She sounded so confident. I wish I could muster up half of her confidence! She also said that I will not have to go on Lovenox this time. None of my labs have ever indicated that I have a coagulopathy, so no need to be on it! Yay, one less injection! I think my previous RE had me on the "kitchen sink" protocol. Sigh....Let it go Jay, let it go!

I am so excited to get this cycle going, but becoming scared. I have so much more hope this time around, I just pray things end up differently! I need some bloggy prayers for myself and Donor 2.0! Oh, and Donor 2.0 started her period already, so she is already on BCP's! Another step forward after a REALLY long wait!

We have a timeline people!

2011-08-15T20:28:00.003-07:00

I have so much to catch you all up on. Vacation was great, it was so nice to get out of this god-awful heat! My diet went to hell in a hand basket day 2 of vacay. It is impossible to eat well when back in our happy place of Sa.n Die.go. J always wants to eat at all of our favorite Mexican restaurants, which results in a huge DIET FAIL! Oh well, it tasted really GOOD!

I finally received an email from the IVF RN on the drive out to SD a week ago. She finally received J's labs and the letter from the therapist. Unfortunately, the lab tech who drew my labs, forgot to circle 3 of the labs. GRRRR. So, I got to drag my butt to the GYN's office today for them to check my TSH, prolactin, and rubella. Do I have to micromanage everyone? So.very.irritating!

The more exciting news is....I have a tentative timeline! My donor is due to start her period 8/20 which is like....this Saturday! Once she starts her period, I will have a more definitive schedule. But, as it stands, I am to continue BCP (had to pick up another pack in SD) and stop them 9/1. I would start Lupr.on 8/29. Start Estrogen 9/6 if my baseline U/S looks good. Another U/S a week later. Projected egg retrieval would be around 9/19 with transfer 5 days later. These dates will change a little I'm sure, but the important thing is....I am only a month away from show time! Finally!

It will be nice once I have a set schedule so my office manager can stop asking me when I will be out of the office! You would think after all my IUI's and IVF's she would know there is a certain amount of uncertainty that goes along with timing of everything! I just pray for no more delays, I am so ready! I am giving myself one more week of caffeine, and then I am going to stop. *sob* I will miss you coffee,tea, and Diet Coke!

I made it through my 20 yr High School reunion. That is going to be another post. But as a teaser, here is some key words for you....Boobs, Bloated, Babies, Baldness,and child brides. I am posting a little pic of me in my reunion dress. Just for a sneak preview! I am too tired right now to expand. I had fun, but so glad it is over with!!! I have a couple of other pics to post from it!

I also would LOVE to talk some shizz about some of J's extended family, but I can't. Thankfully, we only had to take one day out of our trip to spend time with them. At least this time the one niece didn't blabber on about being so happy to be a 'young mom'. Blech, barf, whatevs!!!

Ok, off to bed. The Reunion post is not far behind!

Weight/Wait

2011-08-03T21:53:00.002-07:00

Which kind of wait do you want to hear about first? I'll start with the wait part. J and I did all of our DEIVF labwork a week and a half ago. I received my results last week and I'm happy to report that yes, for another year running, I don't have HI.V or HEP B/C. Isn't that just fantastic? Love doing these labs for 5 years running now!

We also sat down with the therapist for one last time. She wrote a letter on our behalf stating that we were of sound mind to undergo a DE IVF cycle. I also forwarded that on to the clinic. It was really just a formality, as I feel we have addressed any issues that using a donor egg entails. But the therapist is great and it is always nice to see her. I had to laugh when we walked into the waiting room. It was empty and J said "The Rapist" and I said, "huh?" And he goes therapist spells the/rapist. I started laughing, and said no, the RE is the "rapist" with all of my life savings down the drain!

I emailed the nurse on Monday telling her that everything has been done and sent onto her. I have yet to hear anything. So annoying! I know she got back from her vacay, but ugh! If I don't hear anything by the end of the week, I will email her again. I just want to make sure she got my HIV results and shizz, and some random didn't receive it across their fax! Just sayin'!

I have 2 more days until my week long vacation. I.can't.wait! Work has been busy and I am ready for a little time away. We are heading off to the beach for a little R and R. Next Saturday is the dreaded high school reunion. My BFF is stressing out because out of our class of 600, only 52 people have signed up so far! There needs to be close to 100 for this event to happen! My BFF wants me to order this big balloon arch for the front doorway for the event, but I am waiting to put any money down until I know for sure this thing is going to happen? Where in sam hell does one get a balloon arch from anyway? Party.city? I dunno...

Onto the weight part of this post. Last week I started the old low carb diet. It is hard to do, but pretty effective. I've lost 4 pounds so far in a week and a half. It feels like it is coming off so slowly. It is hard to have energy when sugar and starches are no longer on the menu! I literally dreamed about a carne asada burrito. I am back to watching the food channel like it is porn. The good news, I am almost at the weight I was sophomore year in high school! I am one pound away from breaking into the 130's. I haven't seen that on the scale in over 22 years! Yay me!

It is hard to deprive myself, but I am happy to get a little more weight off before this cycle starts. I've been stepping it up at the gym too :) My shoulder still feels awful, but I'm not going to do surgery on it until we are done TTC. It is too much to deal with at one time! I don't know what will happen with the diet once we get to the beach, it might have to be on hold....I need a margie and taquitos! Doesn't everyone? Oh, and I am due to start my period on the day of the reunion! Isn't that super fun? The advil.vic.odin.cocktail.mix might get UGLY! I may have to watch myself!

So, I don't know if I will have the opportunity to blog next week, but I will be checking up on everyone on my iPhone. If I actually hear from the clinic I will update. I just want my timeline already! Sheesh! This waiting is killing me. Oh and it is going to be 112 degrees tomorrow, I can't WAIT to get out of here! This heat is getting to me!

Donor 2.0

2011-07-24T19:59:00.002-07:00

What is the old cliche, "When one door closes, another one opens". Well, I have my black lab looking out the window for my next opportunity! If you squint, you can see his real name embroidered on his collar. He certainly has lived up to his name!

Anyways, the tantrum has passed. I'm still a little bitter about the situation, but it does me no good to sit around and mope. I have to find me a new donor peeps! Thank you all for your supportive comments. It is so validating for you to all understand this bullshit we call infertility! One commentor, Kathy, said she went through four donors, because the first three didn't work out. Holy shit, I can't even imagine!

So, after much debate, we chose a new donor. She is very motivated to do a September cycle, and the donor coordinator states she is very sweet and reliable. Let's hope! This donor was originally our second choice behind Super Flake Ass donor, so I guess it was meant to be. I can't think of any cute nickname for her other than Donor 2.0. She just did a cycle in June and so far the first beta was a strong number. Her first cycle resulted in twins. We won't know about this recent cycle for another 2 weeks or so (if it is a singleton or twins). So, she is 2 for 2 on cycles, unfortunately doesn't have a super high egg yield. Both cycles only resulted in 2 frozen embryos. I have to say though, if my cycle was a success and it was twins, I don't know if I would do an FET for a third child.

Donor 2.0 is attractive, 3 inches shorter than me, and is similar to my heritage (Irish, German, Mutt). She is 26, already has 2 kids, and has an associate degree. I am good with her, but not "head over heels". There were a few other girls I liked on the database, but like I mentioned before, they are not available until 1/2012. I just don't feel strongly enough either way to justify delaying my cycle for that long. I decided against the 4x donor due to psych eval and just overall gut feeling.

On Friday afternoon, I emailed the DC to ask her to match us with Donor 2.0. She sent a quick response that we were matched and felt that she was a great pick. The IVF nurse comes back to the office tomorrow (after a 2 week vacay) and hopefully soon, I will have a timeline. Once I have a timeline, this will finally start to feel a little more real.

I decided I am going to make the next 3 weeks, my get in shape and lose a couple pounds mission. I'm not doing anything crazy like the .hcg.diet I did last year, I'm just going to eat low carb and hit the gym more often. I'm going to use this cycle as motivation to clean up my diet before transfer! Pretty soon I'm going to have to wean off caffeine. That is always the hardest thing for me. Mainly due to the wicked headaches I get as a result of no caffeine! I've done it before, and I can do it again,

So, that is where things stand. I pray J and I made the right decision and this cycle is a success. But as we all know, I have NO CONTROL over the situation. I just have to roll with it and hope that someday soon, it will be my turn.

Cycle on the Rocks....

2011-07-21T20:44:00.003-07:00

pour me a drink, and I'll tell you some lies....Oh, sorry, just sulking with my old friend Neil*Diam.ond. So, I got the call today from the DC (donor coordinator) and it wasn't good. In a nutshell, my donor pulled out. Here was her response (part of it) to the DC.

Dear DC,

I am sorry it took so long to reply to you. We have been traveling most of the summer and just returned. Unfortunately, I will be unable to start another cycle. I have accepted a full time position, and I fear my schedule will not allow me to cycle at this time.

Again, I am sorry for any inconvenience I have caused you/and of the IP's (intended parents). Thank you for your understanding.

Sincerely,
Flake Ass Super Donor

Yep, that is the muthereffing email I got as well as a phone call full of apologies. I have feared this would happen all along. That is why I kept emailing the DC for updates, to make sure our Donor was on fucking board with this cycle!!!
Sorry ladies, I am full on pissed off and some unsavory words are gonna fly.

So, now I get to "move on" as the DC put it and go on the donor database to figure out a new donor. Of course all the best donors are not available until 2012!!! Totally not exaggerating that shit at all. *Deep heavy, weight of the world, sigh*
All this crap went down at the end of my work day. So I quickly jumped onto the donor website and started looking.

I found 2 donors that were OK. Unfortunately, one is out of town and has potential to be flaky, but super cute and has been a proven donor in the past. Or, another donor who has been proven in the past, but not much in the way of frozen embryos. The third option was given by the DC. It is a donor who was all set to go, and her IP's (intended parents) found out they were spontaneously pregnant. This donor has been proven for positive pregnancy 4 times, but is short and really doesn't resemble me in the slightest. The other two donors could cycle in September, but don't have great numbers.

So, I have NO IDEA what to do. I consulted my friend Mr. Red Wine, but he was no help. My BFF thinks I should jump on the 4 times donor and not wait. My DH though wasn't too excited over any of the three and is leaving it up to me. F@ck! I don't want to "knee jerk" this decision, but I want to get on with my life. I really want to cycle no later than September/October. I am 5 and a 1/2 years into this fertility shit, and I WANT TO BE DONE WITH IT!

I will sleep on it and see how we feel tomorrow. Of course I tried to call the DC and actually speak to her, but all I got was voice mail. I asked her to call, but all I got was an email. Better than nothing, but I would like to discuss my options with her in an actual conversation. Silly me, I actually call my patients back when they leave voice mail, even when I don't want to! I really need to set my standards lower, because CLEARLY they are too high right now. I tried to email the nurse this morning with a couple questions, and I got an automatic email stating that she is out of the office for the next 2 weeks! What? I want that job that lets me take off work every couple of weeks! Seriously, between the RN and the DC, they have been out a lot since I decided to cycle in April. It is laughable.

I am full of the rage, as you can see. To add insult to injury, I told you that my High School reunion in next month. My BFF put me on FB as an administrator, so I am getting all the emails with photos of all my classmates and their children. It is starting to get to me. Yay, my classmates are fertile! Yay, I get to explain the lack of children at the reunion! Yay, half of the classmates with kids, the kids are friggin teenagers! So disheartening. If I conceived 5 years ago, I would have at least a 4 year old by now. Why is this happening to me? I think I have had enough "character building" for a lifetime already! When is it my turn? You guys would really die if you saw these pictures. Yes, I don't have to look at them, but deep down I am nosey. Such a terrible combo!

I think I am done with the tantrum. Tomorrow is another day. Super (slack/flake ass) donor was not meant to be. I am praying the answer comes regarding the new donor comes soon. Because time is not on my side...Time to take an Excedrin for my red wine headache...Thanks for listening girls, I knew you would get the frustration.

Finding the Positive Side of Things

2011-07-05T19:53:00.002-07:00

I have been patiently waiting for a response from the donor coordinator since I asked her what the deal-i-o is regarding my donor and when we are going to get the damn show on the road!!! I emailed her today (as I let a week go by) and she did respond saying that Super Donor is on board and the cycle will happen in September, not August.

I was happy to finally get an answer. I was about to pick up the phone in frustration as I am not sensing any urgency on clinic's side! I still need to get my lab work done. I need to call my GYN to see if he will order the labs, so I don't have to pay out of pocket. Any hoop I can jump to save a little money is worth a try!

On to more pleasant topics. I went to the New Kids/Back.Street concert this past Thursday night. I am embarrassed to admit how much fun it was! My voice was gone at the end of the night from screaming! I may or may not have video evidence of me singing at the concert at the top of my lungs "The Right Stuff". My girlfriend and I were cracking up and all the girls there, including ourselves! My ears were ringing from all the girly screams!

I am a little bummed our cycle is being pushed to September, because I was hoping to get out of going to my 20th High School reunion. My BFF is in charge of the event, and I am in the loop with the planning. I am dreading going, not really sure why other than I don't want to answer the "how many kids do you have" question. Seriously, according to Fa.ce.book, I have a ridiculously fertile class of '91! Man, did I just admit how ancient I am??? I am looking forward to the sweet 80's music they will be playing at the reunion. The other positive about a September cycle, I will actually be able to attend the reunion and drink alcohol! Which I am SURE I will need!

I will feel better once I speak to the nurse and get a confirmed schedule for our cycle. I guess for the time being I am to continue on BCP's. I am really hating BCP's this go around. My boobs are bigger and hurt all the time. If I didn't have to dress professionally at work, I would wear a sports bra! Unfortunately, the mono boob look is not flattering under my dress shirts :)

So, I am trying to see the positives to a September cycle. I am VERY thankful that Super Donor is still committed to us and the cycle. I was REALLY stressing out about losing her as our donor. There is just no control in this process! I have waited over 5 years to have a successful IVF cycle, what is one more month of waiting? Right?

Son of a beach

2011-06-28T19:30:00.005-07:00

A good time was had by all at the beach. The dogs were in dog heaven! They were so tired, that they would take turns going after the ball in the ocean. They never do that! Usually they are tackling each other to get to the tennis ball!

We stayed at my girlfriends house, and I got to hang out with baby girl who is almost 2 years old! Man time flies. She is so cute and is OBSESSED with "black dog" and "yellow dog". She started crying when my GF was loading her in the car to go to daycare. Doggies, doggies...So sad!

I am still in a complete state of holding pattern. I am really starting to freak out. The donor coordinator emailed Super donor last Monday night, and has yet to hear from her. I got an email last Tuesday from DC (donor coordinator) and she said to not worry, most donors say they want more time in between cycles, because they are interviewed only 1 week after egg retrieval and are still feeling crappy from the drugs. She said most donors go back on their original timeline after a month has passed by.

So, I get that. Stims are awful. I would want a break too. But, I am pretty sure she knew she was committed to us for some time now. I "booked her" in April. I waited all week to hear back from the DC and broke down and emailed her last Friday. I got an automatic message saying that she was out of the office until Wednesday (tomorrow). However, I did get a quick email from her this afternoon saying thanks for the reminder, I have not heard from Super Donor. I will call and email her again tomorrow at work.

I have a bad feeling about this. If Super Donor was on board, she would have emailed the DC by now, right? I keep checking the in house donor site and it is so bleak right now. The few that I kind of liked, are not available now until January! Crap! Why is this happening now. It took so long for me to get to this place of acceptance and this is happening?

I am hopeful I will get an update sometime tomorrow from the DC. I know this is a tricky process and donors have their OWN lives to deal with as well. I am hoping Super Donor was just out of town or something, but my gut is feeling a little skeptical. I am praying we don't end up having to start from scratch. Please let this be a minor bump in the road...

On a very positive note, I am sending out a huge congratulations to S who got a second strong beta for her first donor egg IVF cycle! It is so exciting!

I will keep you posted once I know more about my situation. Are you all tired of dog pics yet? They are just so happy when they play in the waves! I need to bottle some of their happiness right about now!

Good and Bad

2011-06-20T19:19:00.003-07:00

I finally heard back from the donor coordinator regarding how our donor did during her May cycle. Here was the response:

Super donor's cycle resulted in a confirmed singleton pregnancy (the Intended parents ultrasound was performed today). We retrieved 14 eggs, 13 eggs mature, 10 embryos fertilized, Day 5 transfer with 2 embryos and 3 embryos are frozen.

Which is great news because both cycles she has done now have resulted in pregnancy with some frosties left over. The bad part is this:

Super Donor has some scheduling conflicts in August and was hoping to wait until early September to start medication. Unfortunately, I am not the one who conducted her follow-up appointment post-retrieval so let me reach out to this donor right now to solidify timing a bit more.

Whoosh. There went the wind out of my sails. I know it is only a month, but I was really counting on cycling in August. I told the donor coordinator that although I am disappointed by the delay, I want to stick with this donor and will wait. (I went on the in-house donor list and it is slim pickings right now!) I guess I was meant to have June baby instead of a May baby :) Ha ha.

Another good thing is that when we were down at J's parents house this weekend, my MIL wrote a check to help us with this cycle. I told her that she didn't have to, but she insisted. I am very thankful for her help, between the 2 mom's they are donating 10K. That is 10K less I have to put on credit cards!!! The bad, the minute we walked into the in laws house, T dog took a huge crap on my MIL's light colored carpet in the living room. Ah kids, so unpredictable at times!

We are taking a long weekend to the beach coming up here soon. The picture above is what L and T dog look like in the back seat after playing in the waves. They get beach drunk and pass out! A good dog is a tired dog.

I will update you all once I hear back from the donor coordinator. It sounded like she was going to call Super donor soon to get the dates hammered down. Hopefully sooner rather than later! It is hard to deal with the unknown!

Oh, and just so you all know I am not a complete wussy, you would not believe the bruises on my back and butt from physical therapy last week! I tried to take a pic of the aftermath, but it didn't turn out well (and I want to spare you all of my stretch marks on my love handles, damn puberty!). Trust me, it looks like I was beat up! I had to take a hot bath for 3 nights after to ease the pain! It is feeling better now. Hopefully I don't cry in physical therapy tomorrow night, or my PT is really going to wonder about me. I can't wait to show him his bruising handiwork though!

I started my period on Saturday, but now it looks like it will not be my last CD1 for awhile. Ahhh, patience is so hard anymore....

A Wreck

2011-06-14T17:31:00.003-07:00

I emailed the nurse at Super RE's office and explained my fears about the 'lil polyp residing in my "lady oven" (LOVED that Missy!) She responded saying that she completly understands my fears, and if I want a hysteroscopy than we could make it happen. She said that the polyp would grow rather slowly even if being fed by Estrace. And if Super RE felt that the polyp was going to cause any real danger, than he would want it removed. She then said, that the Super RE is leaving it in my court. If I feel more comfortable having it removed, than fine. The downside is that it would indeed delay my cycle :(

I have done A LOT of thinking about this and I am not going to pursue hysteroscopy. 4mm is tiny and I freaked out when I first researched. I really do feel that Super RE would have it removed if it meant any potential trouble for me and the cycle. He has very high success rates and I am certain he would like to maintain them!

I also do not want to delay this cycle. August is a good month for me in terms of my work schedule. If it got delayed to September, than I would be super busy and stressed out! Which is not good for achieving pregnancy!!! I would also hate to miss out on my donor if we delayed. I am still very excited about her! I did send an email today to the donor coordinator to get the stats on her May cycle and if it achieved a pregnancy.

Finally, I don't want my local RE or GYN digging around my ute. Knowing them, I would be worse off than having my tiny little friend to begin with. As we know, I have a very cranky uterus!!! I am taking my last active pill tomorrow and then period time this weekend (unless the nurse tells me differently).

I am also a wreck physically. The pro.vera and now the pill has made my boobs huge. So uncomfortable! I also have been having some significant shoulder pain (+6months) that may or may not need surgery. I have been trying to do just physical therapy, but it is starting to really get to me. Today though, I had a complete meltdown at the PT office. My back seized up today in surgery and it was painful. I did all my shoulder exercises at therapy and then he evaluated my low back. He did some deep tissue stuff that hurt so bad I started crying. I could.not.stop.crying. I.could.not.get.a.hold.of.myself. It was BEYOND embarrassing! Thankfully there was only a couple of other patients there this afternoon!

Yes, it hurt. But, it is really unlike me to totally lose it like that! I think the hormones, the upcoming cycle, making the right decision about my polyp, and my shoulder is REALLY getting to me. I literally cried the whole way home. I need to dig deep down and get a grip. It is too early in this to give up. I worry so much about my body being about to keep up with my occupation. It just affirms that I need to step it up and start exercising more intensely and frequently, because after a day like today, it makes me feel like a wreck!

Super RE's opinion

2011-06-09T08:48:00.003-07:00

Here is the email I received from Super RE's nurse yesterday:

Super RE has reviewed the SHG results and feels that a hysteroscopy is not necessary, considering the size and location of the polyp. Great news :-)
Thanks,
Nurse

Hhmmm, what do I do now? Trust the Super RE? Or question further? Again, this polyp is very small. But you know if this IVF cycle doesn't work, I will always have my little goodie to wonder about. Sigh.

I told J my feelings about all this and he got angry with me. Why am I bringing this up to him? Why don't you just accept Super RE's opinion and move on? And so on. I think my DH is on his period this week...just sayin. T dog was having bad puppy dreams last night, I think it was because J was yelling at him the night before! I'm just kidding, he is our rescue dog, and has always had bad puppy dreams.

The nurse had left a voicemail too regarding Super RE's opinion. I may try to send her an email clarifying my concerns. She is out of the office the rest of the week (again!). So I will try to reach her the beginning of next week. I really don't want to make a big deal about this, I just want to make every thing as optimal as possible. Type A much???

Ok, off to see patients. Already started my day with a cleaning and exam at the dentist office at 7am. Yuck. All I am missing this week is a mammogram! Sheesh.
Thanks again to all of you who weighed in with their polyp experiences! I really appreciate it!

Sonohysterogram

2011-06-07T19:23:00.002-07:00

I had my SHG (sonohysterogram) this morning at my local RE's office. It is weird walking in there now that I am no longer cycling with them. I used to always walk through those heavy glass doors with anxiety and dread. Now, I feel nothing. I still think highly of the staff there, I just feel removed. Which I think is a good thing!

So, I walked in this morning for my appointment. Didn't have to wait long at all.
I impressed at how HUGE my chart has become...I got into the victory formation in the stirrups and waited for the doctor. He came in an explained what he was going to do. I have to say, the SHG was much easier and less painful than the HSG (hysterosalpingogram)! The speculum insertion was a little rough, but my only cramping was when he injected the saline into the uterus.

So, the results are slightly abnormal :( I do have a small uterine polyp (4mm) near my right fallopian tube. My local RE said it should pose no problem as it is high enough and "out of the way" of where the embryo typically implants. I do have a fibroid, but it is within the uterine wall, not within the lining. The RE said he would do the report right away and send it on the my out-of-state clinic.

Thankfully there was no awkward exchange between myself and the RE. No "why are you doing a DE IVF at the other clinic" from him and no "why did you never bother to check my AMH or do a SHG before 4 IUI's and 2 IVF's you muthereffer?" I need this RE to monitor me locally for my DE IVF, so I figure what is in the past, is in the past. I can't undo the treatment I have already done, I can only press on to new and more promising horizons. How is that for maturity? I can muster it once and awhile!

The nurse from the Super (out of state) clinic emailed me this afternoon. She is concerned about the uterine polyp I have. She did say that it is possible it can be left alone OR I may need a hysteroscopy to have it removed. CRAP! The Super RE is out of the office today, but she will speak to him tomorrow and get back to me as to what my fate is. I am torn, last thing I want is to have someone digging a goody out of my ute, but I also don't want to spend 30K to have a miscarriage due to my little friend. CRAP!

I goog.led uterine polyps and they said that polyps are benign 99% of the time. They are estrogen sensitive, meaning taking a shit ton of Es.trace will make them grow and prosper. Guess who has 2 thumbs and was just on a shit ton of Es.trace?
This girl! It also stated that polyps cause an increase in miscarriage in IVF cycles. Not regular pregnancy, noooooooo, IVF cycles. CRAP! CRAP! CRAP! They also stated that if the polyp is near the fallopian tube (like me), it may lead to difficulty in becoming pregnant.

We'll see what Super RE thinks. Local RE said it was no big deal, but I have no faith left in local RE. I am going to stop researching, because I am getting pissed about not checking this sooner. My mother had a hysterectomy due to fibroids in her very early 40's. She had 3 children no problem, of course the first one was popped out at age 20! Not at 38!!! I am going to simmer down, try not to sound the alarm. 4mm is tiny! Right???

If I do have to have the polyp removed, I have no idea if this will delay things for my cycle. We are still 2 months away from when we would be projected to do the DE IVF cycle. My question is to you lovely ladies. Did any of you have a polyp. Did you have it removed? Is it an in office procedure? Did your GYN do it or RE? And did it delay your IVF cycle? Any input would be greatly appreciated!

Ok, it is time to hit the hay. I caught a cold last week while away at a conference. It turns out when you are around 10,000 PA's at one time, you get exposed to germs and stuff! Ok, I need to rescue T dog. J is yelling at him for getting into the pool for a swim at 8pm! What can I say? My black lab loves to do laps all day and night! J is seriously still yelling at him. Poor kid!

CD1 party

2011-05-23T19:42:00.004-07:00

AF is here in full effect. I literally wanted to lay down in the middle of the OR today and cry. It never fails that my period starts on a surgery day. All I want to do is curl up with my heating pad, not lean over an OR table all day.

I told my doctor today I had the 11mm (my lining) curse today. He laughed and said in six months I'll be complaining about my pregnancy and getting fat. I told him that I hope so! It is ridiculous how much I over share with him, thank God he is such a trooper!

Speaking of fat, the scale is not being kind to me. I know some of it is water weight, but I have been so good keeping off the weight that I lost last year. I have already decided that I am going to be back on a strict diet for the month of June. I really would like to lose the few pounds I have gained and then some. This will be my last opportunity before my DE IVF cycle to do so. Plus everything isn't fitting as well. Damn Es.trace and Prove.ra made me crave carbs & junk like crazy.
After this weekend, it is back on the diet wagon for me!

I called my local RE's office today to let them know it is CD 1. Hopefully they will call back tomorrow so I can schedule my sonohysterogram. I am eager to get that over with, don't know why, I just am. I also let my out-of-state clinic know as well. I am certain the nurse there won't be able so sleep tonight not knowing that I started my period!!!

I am going to start acupuncture in 2 weeks. I want to give my body & lining the best opportunity possible! I have also upped my supplements & folic acid.

Yesterday, I was in full PMS mode. J and I went to see Bridesma.ids at the movies. I actually cried through half of it. It is supposed to be a comedy! I ate a big bowl of ice cream (I have no idea why I am up a couple of pounds?). I then went to the mall and spent money I don't have. Of course, I hated the way most pants fit me! My boobs are huge and hard to the touch. I really need to look up the half life of Pr.overa! Surely they will deflate over the next couple of days!!!

Enough of the whiny woe-is-me post! Just 2 more months! I pray it goes by fast!!!
I start my BCP's on Thursday. It will seem more real once I know I am synced up with my donor! I can't wait until I can post that!!! Now back to my ad.vil and heating pad...

Donor picking

2011-05-16T21:07:00.003-07:00

This weekend was ROUGH! I was so happy for everybody to leave my house this morning. I am not ashamed to admit I like my space! And 6 people crammed into a 1500
sq foot home is too much! Throw in the hormones, makes it all the more challenging!

So, today is CD 18. I have 4 more nights of Pro.vera (after tonight) to get through. I have to say, I was really ramped up on the Estr.ace, but once I added the Pro.vera, it seemed to balance things out. I am (sorta) less emotional/edgy:)
J might disagree...

I am checking the donor site at my clinic periodically, to see if any new girls have popped up. I am doing it half heartedly because I believe in our number one choice! I am still assuming we are set with her as I have not received an email from the coordinator to the contrary. I will email the donor coordinator the end of this month to see how my donor performed on the cycle she did this month. I am hoping it is just as good as her first cycle, which resulted in pregnancy.

I don't think I have given any details out yet regarding my donor. She is 26, already has children of her own. She is my height and 20 pounds lighter! She has already received her Bachelor's degree and is looking to get into a MBA program soon.
She has similar interests as me. She is cute, but not too cute. Her pictures make her seem warm and fun. Her kids are absolutely adorable! The only bummer is that she has brown eyes. I have blue eyes. But intelligence and personality ranked much higher than eye color!

She also has a clean health history record as does her immediate family. There is so MUCH to consider when picking a donor. I know I picked her fast, but she just stood out to me. I can't say it was a completely scientific process. I also was drawn to the fact that she is already done with her family building. With 3 kids, I don't think she is going to have time to track me down to try to gain custody of my child!!! (yes, the crazy thoughts come out of the woodwork!)

I also appreciated that she is out of college and responsible. I don't know about you girls, but when I was in college, I was only concerned with classes and dime beer night! I was not responsible enough to keep track of all these stims and doctor's appointments! So, I was not interested in a donor who was still in college. Of course, not every 21 year old is as crazy as I was :)

Next stop is my sonohysterogram, which I will call to schedule on CD1. Then I just hurry up and wait. That seems to be the hardest part. I did call my acupuncturist. I should probably start going to her a couple of months before the cycle to insure my uterine health. Goooooooo uterus!

If any of you are doing a DE cycle, what characteristics were most important to you in choosing a donor? It is interesting to hear other people's opinions on the subject!

I know I should probably buy like 10 books on DE IVF and how to pick the perfect donor, but I didn't. And I am at peace with my decision. If I am lucky enough to become pregnant and have an actual live baby, I will feel that this is the baby I was always meant to have!

Don't hate me for my sweet lining!

2011-05-11T20:36:00.000-07:00

I am now on Est.race 4mg twice daily. I feel ramped up, bloaty, and edgy! J accidentally hit my boob in bed the other night and I screamed. I didn't mean to, it just feels like my nipples are full of razor blades! Dramatic much? Thank you estrogen for giving me a one way ticket to crazytown!

I had my ultrasound done by the PA today instead of the son.ographer. She seemed a little less experienced behind the wheel of the dildocam. She commented that it was cool that she could feel my right ovary rolling underneath the wand. Yeah, super cool! Let's keep the party train moving, because this is uncomfortable!!! Did I mention my right ovary has a ginormous follicle in it right now?

So my lining was a stellar 11mm! In 8 days I went from 2.5mm to 11mm. Way to go lining! The better news is that I don't have to go back next week for another ultrasound and blood work. Which will save me $500 :) Plus I won't miss rounds or irritate my doctor with my absence!

I am to continue my E.strace 4mg twice daily and I started Prov.era 10mg each evening for the next 10 days. After the 10 days are up, I am to stop both Es.trace and Prov.era and wait for the red devil to show up. The nurse said it could take 3 to 14 days for your period to show. All I kept thinking this morning when I saw my nice THICK lining was I am going to have a SUPER FUN period in a couple of weeks!!!

Once CD1 hits, I can schedule my sonohysterogram. On CD4, I will be on BCP's and just wait for my cycle to be synced up with my donor! I look forward to that time! So, I am going to try to make it through this drug induced cycle without losing it this weekend when 5 of J's immediate family will be invading my home! All those peeps underfoot when I am on 8mg of estrogen, this could get ugly my friends. Very ugly! Did I mention they will all be here when I get home from work tomorrow? Yay for me!!!

Blogoversary

2011-05-07T14:19:00.003-07:00

I can't believe I am a week behind in celebrating my 2nd Blogoversary! What a slacker I am! This past week was all sorts of craziness with my doc being out of town (way more stress on me!), L dog being sick, and the mock cycle. I just forgot to write about it.

Last Blogoversary, I recapped all that had happened over the first year. This year I just find it too depressing to think that ANOTHER year has passed with no pregnancy or live baby. On the positive, I do feel like we have gotten some answers through the laparoscopy, AMH, and 2 second opinions!

I am now taking Es.trace 2mg twice a day, and tomorrow I am taking it three times a day. Great, Let's really ramp up my 'mones in time for Mother's Day! We are having my parents over tomorrow for dinner. I am not planning on leaving the house tomorrow and certainly not attending church. It is just too much. Being on the estrogen is making me so emotional this Mother's Day.

Someone wished me a happy Mother's Day yesterday and I almost started crying. They obviously don't know my 5 years of hell, hormones, and RE's in attempts to be a mom. For some reason I am SHOCKED that I am boo hooing it this year! I should be a griseled veteran by now. It shouldn't even hurt anymore, but it does...

My prayer is that tomorrow is the last Mother's Day that I spend feeling hopeless. I hope this impending DE IVF is the answer to my prayers. I want this work so much.
I was meant to be a mother, I just know it. So cheers to my Blogoversary. Taking one step in front of the other trying to get to the finish line.

I am thinking of all of you tomorrow as well. May your Mother's Day come to life soon however way you get there. To my bloggy friends who are now first time Mom's, have a beautiful day, you certainly have earned it!

First U/S appointment

2011-05-04T20:09:00.003-07:00

I had my first ultrasound at the local clinic Monday morning. I always chuckle because the ultrasound tech always introduces herself as the son.ographer. It seems all sorts of pretentious to me, but whatevs. She is nice and doesn't forgot to cover the wand with a condomn :) (This did almost happen when a resident was behind the wheel at my first RE's office!)

So, the ultrasound shows I have several little cysts on my ovaries. They are most likely endo.metriomas. They do not emit estrogen, so we don't really have to worry about it affecting my actual cycle. My blood was drawn and my labs were fine. My Estrogen was 73 and Progesterone was 1.6. What we would expect on CD4 I guess. Oh, and I only have 3 resting follicles on each ovary. Good thing I am no longer counting on my eggs for this IVF!

I have another U/S scheduled for next Wednesday 5/11. I started the Es.trace Monday and tomorrow I jump up to 2mg twice a day. I am already feeling hormonal and bloated. Of course, NOTHING as close to the stim bloat. NOTHING is worse than the stim bloat, well maybe a GIANT poop baby...oh, is that only me?

Speaking of poop. My poor L dog has had a bad reaction to the anti inflammatory he was prescribed by the vet for his bad ankle sprain. His ankle is doing better, but now the poor dog has explosive, bloody, diarrhea. Poor kid can't catch a break!

I took him back to the vet yesterday afternoon. He was panting and whining. We waited an hour to see the vet. In hindsight, I should have taken him outside to "go" while we were waiting. After he was seen, new drugs were given to stop the squirts and protect his stomach. As I was trying to check out, L dog was pulling hard on the leash. I told him to sit. He thought I said "Shit". Yep, projectile nastiness was released.

It was embarassing. It was my fault. I knew his stomach was upset. He tried to pull me out of there. I got to help the techs clean up. It was special. I tell you, all want-to-be parents should have a dog first. They are excellent practice for the real thing!

I went home and proceded to wash off the splatter off my legs and flip flops. I then sat down and watched wedding shows. I was getting choked up. Seriously? 2 days of Est.race and I am sniffling? Oh how I have not missed the hormone roller coaster! It is all for a good cause, right? I will be so happy when we are doing a "real" cycle! Less than 3 months now if all goes well! Yay me!

What the MOCK?

2011-04-29T15:00:00.003-07:00

Let the mock cycle begin! I have been doing an insane amount of communication
between my new clinic and my local clinic this past week. My local clinic finally received orders for the mock cycle yesterday afternoon. Which is just in time, because I started my period today. Yay, me!

I have my first ultrasound and bloodwork scheduled for this Monday 5/2 at 8am. It is going to be surreal to step back into that office. After our failed IVF's & FET, I never thought I would go back. But, this is a good thing that they will monitor me. I love the IVF coordinator there. She had been so efficient for my past cycles, and I have to say, is more quick to return calls, than the out of state clinic. Sigh.

I trust the out of state clinic, I just feel like I have to stay on top of that nurse more than I do here at the local clinic. Hopefully I won't feel this way once we are in the throes of our DE IVF cycle!

So, once the nurse receives my results from the ultrasound, she will give me the instructions as to when I am to start my Es.trace. I went by Co.stco today to see if they had filled my meds yet, and there was a cluster.f@ck of old people crowding the pharmacy counter. I said, you know, I think I will come back later when it's not so crowded and I don't have the chance of being mowed down by a motor scooter!

I am off to pick up my sweet L dog from the vet. He sprained his ankle badly last night jumping out of J's SUV at the park :( Poor dog would not weight bear on his hind leg. Nothing more pathetic than a 3 legged dog! He had to be sedated for his x-ray today, that thankfully was negative! He has a crazy swollen ankle (aka "hock"). I had to do some crazy Dog anatomy googling last night to figure out what the heck he injured!

So, no park time for my sweet (chubby) yellow for 2 weeks :( T dog was lying by the garage door this afternoon waiting for his yellow buddy to come through the door. It broke my heart! They are besties! Ok, enough blabbering about my dogs...I'll update after my visit with the wand on Monday!

A plan in action

2011-04-26T17:19:00.004-07:00

We took the dogs to the beach recently and just wanted to share a few pics. I absolutely love the pic of T dog flying. He was having so much fun! To think that he was once on death row at the pound, hard to believe! He is one spunky little black lab! L dog had a fantastic time as well! It makes me smile when I see how happy they are running around the beach.

So, I spoke with the nurse regarding our DE IVF. I will do my mock cycle this upcoming period. I am due to start this weekend. She said the first ultrasound needs to be between CD1-5. Then I will have another ultrasound about a week later. If my lining is up to 8mm on the second ultrasound, then I am good. If not, I will go back a week later for a third.

It sounds like I will just been on Es.trace the beginning of the cycle, and add Pr.overa during the luteal phase (nothing up my cooch for the mock cycle, YAY!). After I start my period, they will then start me on BCP's. At that time, I will need to get a sonohysterogram to see if there are any abnormalities of the inside of my uterus. I am a little worried about this, because my Mom had a hysterectomy in her early 40's due to fibroids. Wouldn't that be a kick in the head if I had them too and my previous RE's never bothered to do this test? I am trying to think positive, but that is totally going on in the back of my head!

I called my previous RE's office today and left a message with the IVF coordinator to see if they will monitor me. So far I haven't heard back from her yet. I'm sure I sounded totally awkward when I left the message. "Hey D, I haven't been there in awhile...um, I'm going to do a DE IVF at another out-of-town clinic. Will you monitor me here? Oh, and I need to do a mock cycle starting next week." I'm sure she will be racing to call me back! Ha ha!

If I don't hear from her by tomorrow, I will call again. I need to let the nurse know which clinic to fax the orders to for the mock cycle. I don't know why this stuff stresses me out! We also need to meet again with the counselor so that she can provide documentation for the clinic that we are OK with all things DE IVF.

Hopefully I will have more information in the next couple of days. As far as we know, we are matched with our number 1 donor. She is cycling in May with another couple. Barring no delays with their cycle (no cysts, etc) we will be cycling in August. I know that is only 3 months away, but right now, it feels like a lifetime!

Happy Easter!

2011-04-24T15:39:00.002-07:00

I hope you all are enjoying a nice Easter Sunday. J and I went to church last night with my parents. We like to beat the Easter rush! My parents go to one of these 'superchurches'. It is non-denominational, but a little over the top at times.

I enjoy going, but the last couple of times I have gone, I have felt so emotional. Like holding back the tears emotional. I guess I still am questioning why J and I would be going through all this IF garbage for the last 5 years? What is God trying to teach me here? We all know I have little patience!!! And 5 years of this business has been rough.

I love Easter time, but going to church being around all those kids is hard. I am always surprised by feeling this way. I love kids, and usually I am not bothered by being around them. I guess holidays make our infertility shine in the forefront. Why don't we have a sweet little one to dress up in their Sunday best or color eggs with?

My Mom made J and I an Easter basket. Yep, at 38, I still want the Easter bunny to visit me. Sad, I know. Mom went over the top this year with the candy. So much for the diet!!!

I tried hard to focus on the pastor's message last night. It was all about crossroads. We are clearly at one in our lives. I can only pray that we are making the right decision. And that this works out for us. If it doesn't, life will go on.

The therapist did ask in our last session, "What if the DE IVF doesn't work?" I told her that I would be bitterly disappointed, but I know that I will survive.
Nothing was as hard as the first IVF failure. She said, "The first cut is the deepest." Yes, yes it is.

So, for now I am at peace with our plan. I am not in control. It may not work out. But, we are at least trying something new. And I just have to believe, that this road in life is meant to be.

Simmer down now....

2011-04-20T08:51:00.002-07:00

I have exchanged my "polly pissy pants" for a normal pair of adult pants. I called the clinic yesterday and made an appointment for next Monday at 11:30am. I should be in between surgeries during that time, but who knows? I explained to my doctor that I may have to scrub out briefly for the call. He was fine with it (for now!).

I guess I learned trying to schedule an appointment through a 3rd party is annoying and I won't do it again! I look forward to speaking with the nurse and get this partay started!

I wanted you guys to send some bloggy love to my girl Libby at
http://somethinghappenedonthewaytobaby.blogspot.com/

She had to put down her beloved dog, Smokey, yesterday. It is so hard to say goodbye to our pets. Especially being an infertile. I put down my sweet B dog almost 2 years ago, and I still think about how much I miss him.

I hope everyone has a good Wednesday. Gotta run and be productive!

Annoyed

2011-04-18T20:53:00.005-07:00

I am sort of annoyed right now. Maybe it is just a case of the Monday's, hard to say at this point! I guess my first annoyance is that I haven't heard yet from the nurse at the new clinic. I guess you have to schedule an "appointment" so that you can talk. I told the DE coordinator that I am with patients all day and I may need a later appointment. She told me that she would forward my info to the nurse and that the nurse could email me to set up a time.

That was a week ago. I sent an email today to the donor coordinator that I have yet to hear from the nurse yet. She sent me an email back that she made an appointment for me for this Wednesday at 10:30am. Of course I have patients and that is too last minute to reschedule them :( I told the DE coordinator that maybe a little closer to lunchtime would work. She said that was the only time she had available. That I need to call the front desk and schedule through them.

I am not trying to be difficult. I just can't believe I have to inconvenience my patients for a phone call! I call my patients back at the end of the day and it doesn't kill me! I just need to get the details of the mock cycle and get my meds called in to the pharmacy. Jeeze!

I am waiting to speak with the nurse before I make the really awkward phone call to my previous RE asking if they will monitor me locally. I just want to get the show on the road already. I have agonized over the DE decision, and now that I have made it, time is not moving as rapidly as I would like!

I also asked if the donor I chose is on board for a cycle with us in August. The donor egg coordinator said that she is currently out of town on vacation and has yet to confirm with her. I hope that it works out, I really liked her! Are you sensing my anxiety over having no CONTROL over this process AT ALL???

To top it all off, my SIL (who is a nurse for God's.sake) sent J a text that her daughter, J's niece, would be an egg donor if we wanted. I have already explained to my SIL, that genetically it is one degree away from ince.st! It is almost like J is getting his sister pregnant. Gross! She also spelled donor "doner" like "boner".
Yes, I am a spelling snob on most occasions! Especially over stoopid texts!

I am getting a little antsy because I am due to start my period in a week and a half and would like to have my ducks in a row. I know it will all work out, I will call the office to make an appointment with the nurse tomorrow. I tried this afternoon, but their phones were already on service. Sigh.

Alright, I am taking my cranky self to bed. Sorry for the full blown crank attack. Working with a clinic out of state is stressful and I just want to make sure that we aren't falling through the cracks. I feel like I am planning a destination wedding except after all of the planning, I may still not be a bride! I need to go find some At.ivan or something.....Or a drink, nah, it's a school night My other toucy feely thoughts of donor egg will have to wait for another post!

New RE DE consult

2011-04-11T21:06:00.002-07:00

We sat down today with the out of town new RE. I was armed with all of mine and J's labwork and stuff. The staff was friendly and prompt. We didn't wait too long to see the RE. He came in and was super nice. He basically agreed that after all we have been through, we should move on to DE IVF. This was before I revealed my abysmal AMF of .24! I think he described my AMF as "bleak".

I was impressed that he had taken the time to review the labs I brought in and make an assessment. He said J's semen analysis was "great" and not to worry about male factor too much. He was in full agreement that he should continue the low dose Cl.omid. And increase his antioxidant intake...I told him that did not include his morning Sunkist!

The RE feels that we have had egg quality issues all along. He felt that my fertility started to decline at 33, not at 35. He said that in all actuality, most women's decline starts at 33, not 35. For that reason, none of the egg donors are over the age of 30.

He said that in the research that he has done, you are more likely to overcome a sub par sperm than a sub par egg. He feels that we could have an eighty percent chance of success by using a donor egg. He did not feel that my mild endometriosis will hinder anything. He is recommending a sonohysterogram to make sure there are no uterine wall abnormalities. This will be done during my mock cycle which will be done during my next cycle. I am due to start my period May 1st. Today is CD8.

After the doctor answered all of my questions (he did not rush us at all), he had us speak with the DE coordinator. She was great in breaking things down. She also gave good insight as to which donors from my favorites list are more "favorable". She was a DE recipient 5 years ago, so she is well versed in the whole process. I really appreciated her candor. She answered some of my tough questions regarding the pay for individual cycle vs. the risk guarantee. I am still debating on that one!

So, we have put in a reservation on a donor! She has been my favorite all along! She is due to cycle with someone else in May and will be available for us in August.
If she doesn't work out, we do have a second choice, but I really hope we can stick with our first choice.

There is more to the conversation with the DE coordinator, but it's getting late and I am tired! It was a busy weekend away and I have to unpack my bags. I am really excited about this new chapter. I felt hope today I haven't felt in a LONG time. I would be so thrilled if this actually worked out. It's time to leave my crappy eggs behind and move on to a nice 26 year old eggs!

To be continued....

So much to say..

2011-04-05T19:20:00.003-07:00

I got a hold of the (out of state) clinic and we have an appointment set for next Monday, April 11th. We will be discussing DE IVF. I already have access to their donor list. It is kind of overwhelming. There is so much to consider when picking a babymama! Intelligence, health, family history, appearance,talents, athleticism, etc. You guys get the idea!

I need to go back in and narrow down our search. I imagine I should have a good idea of who we want to use going into this appointment. I am supposed to get a phone call this week from the egg donor coordinator this week sometime. So far we have only been in contact via email.

I am still freaking out a little about the money. I only have a third of the cash to put down. The rest will all be put on credit cards. This gives me anxiety! I know I will pay it off, as I did last IVF cycle, BUT it still worries me to take on more debt. J and I discussed it though, and if we are going to do this, then we need to get a move on. We are not getting any younger here!

I had a sad encounter this am. Remember a couple of months ago when I told you about the colleague who is almost my age and got pregnant the first month trying?
Well, I ran into her this am in the locker room. She was visibly upset/crying.
It turns out her baby had DS combined with a more significant chromosomal abnormality in which the baby would not survive after birth. Therefore, she had the pregnancy terminated last week (at 15 wks).

I felt so terrible for her. I wish there was something more comforting I could have said to her at the time. All I could do was offer a hug and say I was sorry. And that she really should take some personal time off for God's sake! Here I was jealous that she got pregnant so easily, and this has happened. If any of you watch Grey's, than you know I had the elevator moment this morning. Sometimes bad things happen to good people.

I have always been concerned about chromosomal issues with my advanced age, pursuing DE IVF actually gives me some relief regarding that. I still need to decide if I will go with a "proven" donor versus a donor that has the qualities that I am looking for. There is one girl I liked that already has 3 kids. I keep wondering if she is running out of eggs already by all this procreation! Yes, crazy thoughts are creeping in! Hopefully, my mind will be more at ease after I sit down with the RE.

I am excited to be pursing this next step, but scared at the same time. I have always fallen on the wrong side of the statistics. This clinic claims 80% success with DE IVF. I can't even imagine!?! Could this finally work for little ole me?
I will update after my appointment and hopefully I will have a game plan!

Same page

2011-03-28T17:31:00.002-07:00

L and T dog are always on the same page...Eat, Sleep, Play ball, and Dog Park!!!

So, I had the talk with J. It went remarkedly well. I don't know what I was so afraid of. I guess that he would say No to more treatment, adoption, etc. He said that he is most comfortable with a DE IVF. He is hesitant regarding adoption, but not completely adverse. He would like to be a father, but it would not kill him if he wasn't.

He said having so many siblings and nephews/nieces, that he has had plenty of time being the "cool uncle". He knows for me, that I haven't had those experiences, and that I would regret not have tried everything in our resources to be a parent. He also admits that I have done a lot more research into our options (no shit!) and trusts my judgement.

We decided that we are going to get a consult out of state with a clinic that has excellent success rates with DE IVF. I sent an email to that clinic late Friday to set up an appointment, haven't heard back yet. I reiterated to J that this will be expensive. He said he wishes I wouldn't bring that up. I am just striving for full disclosure here, you know? Look before you leap, right?

J also went with me to the counselors office yesterday. It was really helpful to have her assess things. She said that we have a strong marriage, and we just need to decide before going into further treatment, where we stop. You guys know what a slippery slope treatment is, and how you want to keep trying, and trying. We decided that if this DE IVF doesn't work, we may consider adoption, or be child free.

So, this IVF will be our last attempt at procreation. I'm ok with that. I will be super disappointed if it doesn't work, but at least I tried everything I could. And that will give me some kind of peace in the long run.

I am so happy that J came with me. It just shows how caring and thoughtful he is. Right after our session, we ran over to Co.stco for a hot dog:) Right as we sat down to eat, this little toddler walked up to us and looked right into J's eyes with her big blue eyes. I got to tell you, it felt like a sign. Cheesy, but that kid came out of nowhere! So, I guess my donor will have to have blue eyes like me:)

So, hopefully I will hear something soon from the clinic. If not, I might try to call in the next couple of days. I am cautiously hopeful, but thrilled that my husband and I are on the same page. Because this just would not work if we weren't!

The "talk"

2011-03-21T19:58:00.003-07:00

Sorry for the radio silence. The last couple of weeks have been crazy. I've been putting in some serious hours at work. And the early hours are a killer. I don't function well on little sleep. And I think I want a kid....Ha!

I also just haven't felt right complaining about all things in infertility when so much bad is going on in the world. To be honest, I feel like an a-hole complaining when all of these poor people in Jap.an are without everything right now. Every picture and video I see, I am horrified. Those poor people. I cannot imagine that kind of tragedy! I have a home, a job, a husband.....I can't complain, right?

I had a second session with the therapist last week. We discussed the difference between adoption vs. DE IVF. After much discussion, I am obviously more drawn to the DE option. I have so many fears regarding adoption. The bottom line now is...what does J really want to do? Good question.

I basically need to have the come.to.Jes.us talk with him this week. I tried to have a heart to heart last week and I got the brush off. I was ticked, but we need to have this conversation when we are both in a good mood! Because the discussion of how much money DE will cost, will definitely cause some chest pain!

I have another appointment this weekend with the therapist. I think I am going to see if J is willing to come with me. She is better at asking the hard questions than I am! I will update how the "talk" goes. I don't know why this is so hard!
I need to man up and get the conversation started. Too bad my J isn't much of a drinker! Maybe I will trap him at a dinner out, like I have in the past:) I don't think I am the only one who does that!

We'll see what happens. I definitely am ready to put a final timeline on things. I can't take the limbo anymore.

On the Couch

2011-03-05T08:41:00.004-07:00

I had my first counseling session yesterday afternoon. I always thought therapy was an "self-indulgent" kind of process. You know, you sit down and tell the therapist how self important you are and how BIG your problems are. I always shied away from therapy because of these ideas. It just seemed so hip to have a therapist on speed dial! And you guys can see from my pics, I am hardly a hipster....

Anyways, being at my wits end with all things infertility, I made the call because I needed to talk to someone...not just a professional, but someone who has experienced infertility first hand. As you all know, you can't possibly understand the feelings of pain and loneliness of IF, unless you have walked the walk. I've been walking for 5 damn years now.....I'm tired!

I don't really want to share much about what was said. But as I was giving her the rundown of all our (failed) treatments and depression/anxiety it causes, I kept thinking, Why didn't I do this sooner? Why didn't I call someone after IVF #2 failed and I couldn't get off the couch due to soul crushing disappointment and depression?

They say, No one wins in the pain Olympics. That has been running through my mind lately. No one is going to give me a gold star for just Sucking it up and holding all this grief inside. The therapist gets it. I don't have to over explain everything that we have tried and what's ahead. That in itself is a relief. In real life, it is exhausting trying to explain to friends what we are up against.

The bottom line is, I want to be a mother. I am not comfortable being child free. So, now I get to process how I am going to become a mother. Part of that is exploring my own comfort level as well as J's. I shared some of our conversation with J yesterday. He was receptive, but he still doesn't totally get it. Hopefully in time he will.

So, I am a work in progress. I thank you all for your supportive comments for pursuing therapy. I never thought I would end up on the couch, but here I am, and I'm sorry I didn't do it sooner.

Results

2011-03-02T20:36:00.003-07:00

So, after a couple of phone calls...I got my AMH results. It's not good ladies, like super crappy actually. My result was .24. I looked up the reference ranges, and "very low" is anything less than .3. The nurse said I have the ovarian age of at least 45. Great.

I knew it was going to come back low, but it still made me feel like shit to hear that my body is aging prematurely. And, there is zero chance of hope of ever conceiving a biological child. It also confirms that I do not have PCOS. So glad I endured taking Me.tformin for 2 plus years for NOTHING!

I know some RE's don't look at the AMH, but more of them are starting to really take note. I am feeling so bitter right now. Did I just waste the last 3 years with trying with my own eggs? It makes me glad we stopped after IVF#2. Now I know, AMH does not reflect egg quality, but reflects ovarian reserve. A low AMH with very few antral follicles, predicts a poor IVF outcome.

So, of course, the RE is recommending DE cycle. Which makes sense. I'm still not sure if I want to do a DE cycle with this particular RE. It would be crazy convenient, and cheaper to do with him. BUT, the voice inside my head keeps saying "you get what you pay for." I know other clinics have better success rates than anyone here in AZ.

I made an appointment for this Friday with a counselor. She is very experienced with infertility. I spoke to her briefly the other day, and she seemed really nice.
I am hoping she can help me sort out my feelings regarding my choices of treatment versus adoption. Once I get my head straight, I can have a heart to heart with J.
I have to say, he was really shocked I made an appointment with a counselor. I don't think he realizes how much this is eating me up inside....Communication...a work in progress.

I'll update after my appointment. I am hoping she can help me out of the angsty phase I seem to be in. 45 year old ovaries....hmmphhft. I promise to return a little less pouty!

Do you have kids?

2011-02-26T11:34:00.002-07:00

Seems like an innocuous question. But is hits me in the stomach every.damn.time. I swear, a patient asks me this question at least 3 or more times a day. I know it is a good conversation piece, but ugh! It is always so awkward for me.

I usually say, no, but I have labs. Or, no, unfortunately not. Most people let it drop at that point. Sometimes, if I know the patient well, and she is female. I will say infertility. Amazingly enough, it has prompted some interesting conversations.

This morning I got the damn question again. J and I took the pups to the park. Afterwards, we swung by the grocery store for some coffee and doughnuts. I know, breakfast of champions....don't judge me please!

So, I walk up to the doughnut section, and this Dad is with his 4 yr old son, picking out a dozen doughnuts for the family. It was cute (but a little annoying, cuz I just needed to grab a couple of glazed, you know). Another man was standing next to me, and was smiling at the scene. He tells me that he only had girls, and he was entertained by what the little boy was saying. And I said, "Well, little boys are a whole different world than little girls". He then says, "Do you have kids?" I said, "No, I just work with them." He then goes, "Well, sometimes (not having kids) is a blessing. What? Come on man, don't be trying to make me feel better in the doughnut section!

I quickly snatched my doughnuts and left. The guy totally meant well. But damn, it was 8 am and I am already being tortured by that question? Too much! J laughed at me when I got to the car and told him what happened. BAH, strangers (fellow doughnut loving strangers) want to know about my offspring!

I don't know if I have mentioned it yet, but I have my dreaded 20 year reunion coming up in June. I am REALLY dreading that scene. My BFF is on the planning committee and I unfortunately am getting all the emails back in forth regarding the planning process. I graduated with a very fertile class as can be seen on FB! I am going to have to come up with a better response in June regarding my lack of children. I had a nightmare a couple of nights ago about the reunion. I dreamed I was there at the party and all my teeth started falling out. How totally gross is that? Man, I need to relax. Maybe I should start doing some yoga or something.....Maybe more sex...for fun....ha ha ha.

What have been your responses to "Do you have kids?" Anyone have a more clever response that I can borrow???

Making calls/ Trying to get answers

2011-02-25T15:04:00.003-07:00

I finally got a hold of the adoption attorney today. I was a little perturbed that she had never returned my initial phone call. I know she is incredibly busy, BUT....she is personal friends with my doctor. I guess that doesn't carry much weight! So, I called her and she had a brief amount of time to chat. Here is the recap of our conversation.

~We need to start by getting a home study and certification. She did give me a good contact for that. It turns out in AZ, it can take up to 9 months for this to be complete!!! This is around $2,000 in fees.

~The attorney can do nothing until you are certified. (she said this a couple of times)

~3 ways to adopt in AZ:
Foster to adopt
Adoption agency
Private attorney

~Once we are certified, then we create our profile and BM letter. In which she will send on to all of her contacts. And then you wait, and wait.

~She said that they have about 20 placements per yer roughly

~She said that these BM's are healthy. Are usually on goverment assisted health insurance, so that we would not have to cover their health related expenses.

~She said start to finish, the fees are between $12,000 to $15,000.

~She said once we decide we want to adopt and contact the social worker, for me to email her with an update.

The attorney was nice, but I'm discouraged by how much time this could all take. Realistically, I will be 40 to 41 before we potentially could have a child placed with us. That is disheartening to say in the least! She said many of her clients are in their mid to late 30's and that is not too old!

I did give J the run down of the conversation. He just shook his head. No real opinions on the matter. Frustrating! In my mind, it couldn't hurt to atleast get certified as a back up plan? Especially if the process takes so damn long!

I put a call in to a counselor who deals with infertility that S. referred me to. I really think I need to mull this over with a professional. Then maybe I can move forward with a plan of adoption vs DE vs Dembryo.

Are you guys exhausted yet? Oh, and I left a message with the latest RE clinic to get my AMH results. I was told I would get a call by the end of the day. We'll see if that happens! I am leaving soon for girl's happy hour. You know that is when my cell is going to ring, if it does! Just as well, I am more friendly after a glass of red in me :)

So, I am putting myself out there. We'll see what comes back to me!

Things to do when not TTC

2011-02-21T19:56:00.002-07:00

Last week, J and I flew to Colorado. To have a work up from the wizards? No. To have a great time downhill skiing, snowmobiling, and cross country skiing? Yes! Yes! Yes! We met up with my two SIL's with their spouses at a cabin in Win.ter Pa.rk, CO.

It was a great time. The cabin was functional, but only had bunk beds....It's hard to be "close" to your man on a single bed. Those days are long gone. We sleep in a king bed these days! You can never have enough real estate in bed when you are an old lady like me!

The picture is the sunset that could be seen from the back porch of the cabin. It was absolutely beautiful. It was good to get away and not be obsessing of all things IF.

We got back last week from our trip and I was so tired. Cross country skiing is crazy tiring! I clearly should be going to the gym more frequently!

So, my MIL had some elective surgery this past Wednesday. By Friday morning she was short of breath and feeling poorly. My FIL took her to the ER and she was admitted for cong.estive he.art fai.ure. We drove down to the hospital yesterday, and stayed with her until she was discharged home. We then drove her home and my one SIL flew out to take care of her this week.

She is thankfully feeling better, but yesterday was hard. Really hard. It just kept thinking, How can I have an in law with heart fa.ilure and not even have a child yet? It filled me with such sadness. I am worried about my aging in laws and the fact my own parents are getting older. Does this make any sense?

I still haven't gotten my AMH results back. I may try to call the nurse tomorrow to see if they have come in yet. I also need to try calling the adoption attorney again. I've given it enough time for her to call me back! I guess I haven't been too proactive on that front, because I am still so uncertain about that route.

So, I am back from a super fun vacay, still undecided, and still wishing to be a parent...

Second opinion

2011-02-07T20:57:00.004-07:00

This post might be a little jumbled, I just want to get it all out so I don't forget anything! I apologize ahead of time for the rambling!

Today was my second opinion with the old partner of my current RE. As predicted, I started my period with a vengeance yesterday morning. I was cramping and miserable all day yesterday and today....I spent half the day on Saturday going through all of my records, labs, J's semen analysis, and op reports. It was really depressing seeing how much time has elapsed. My first RE appointment was in June of 2007...We had been trying for a year when we first went to the RE...

I met J at the office for our appointment. Most of the people at this clinic came over from the previous clinic. So, there is a level of comfort with these people. I really like the NP. If you remember, I ran into her and the RE a couple of days after my chemical pregnancy with IVF #2. She is the one who told me they were breaking away from my RE and to come to their practice. She was genuinely happy to see me today :)

So, we sat down with the RE. He looked through my records (mainly my IVF cycles) and then jumped up and said he wanted to get an ultrasound of me. OK...I had to use the restroom first, you know, being CD 2 and all. Ick...He put the dildo cam in for a look see. I still have a large cyst on my Right ovary. It has been there since IVF #2, and was still there during my FET. He said it is overtaking my ovary and he only saw 1 or 2 antral follicles on the right. He looked at the left ovary and commented that it is smaller in size. (Great, my workhorse ovary is a midget) He only saw about 4 antral follicles on the left. He said there was no PCOS.

He also commented that my lining was thin. I said well shouldn't it be on CD2? (when I have been bleeding my brains out for 2 days now?) He said that the thin lining tells him that the cyst that is present is obviously not making any estrogen, or my lining would be thicker. Whatever that means.

He had me get dressed and we sat back down in his office. He said that he believes that our issues are due to my egg quality and age. He felt that I have a poor chance of getting pregnant and staying pregnant with my eggs. He said my antral follicle count was poor and felt the it would be difficult for me and would require several cycles of IVF to maybe get pregnant. He did not feel that it was a sperm issue. (I don't know if he really looked that closely to J's labs) He said when
there is slow embryo development, it is usually an egg issue.

I get it, I am old. It is just hard to not get defensive when he acts like I just started trying to get pregnant. I kindly reminded him that we had been at this for almost 5 years now. He basically recommended donor eggs. Which is fine by me. I like the fact that I don't have to stimulate myself again! And the chance of pregnancy is significantly higher.

They offer 2 different types of cycles at the clinic. The first type is where you are matched with a donor who has already donated and the eggs are frozen. You are assigned 8 eggs (same donor of course). The other type is the traditional fresh egg donor cycle, where you get all of her eggs that she yields. The traditional cycle is 6K more than the frozen egg donor cycle.

I asked if there was a higher success rate with fresh vs. frozen and the RE kind of downplayed it. The NP said it would be worth it to go with the fresh cycle due to more eggs and more possible embryos to freeze if the initial cycle fails, or if the cycle works, maybe more embryos available if you wanted a second child.

We sat down with the donor coordinator and she was great. She also said she would try to figure out a way to get my insurance to cover some of the fees if possible. I must say, my insurance was good about covering lab work, and my secondary has good prescription coverage. Their cycle fees were quite competitive (thanks to a shitty economy I guess!).

To prove the RE's point about my decrepit ovaries, he drew my AMH today. I should get the result back in a week or so. If the number is crappy, then it will confirm the need to proceed with a DE IVF cycle. So, that is my second opinion today in a nutshell.

J and I still need to sit down and have a heart to heart chat. He said he doesn't want to discuss anything in depth until my lab result comes back. Classic avoidance...it drives me crazy!!!! He has a serious mistrust of these RE's. It didn't help that today's opinion was the complete opposite of our WTF appointment after the last cycle we did! Atleast the RE today wasn't cheesy or fake.

So, today was my last day of being 37. Tomorrow I enter my late (late) 30's. I am so depressed...I honestly thought I would have 2 toddlers by now. I get to spend my entire birthday standing in the OR with period cramps. It is great to be me ladies, it is great to be me.

Happy birthday to me and my worthless ovaries! I'm not even going to bother with making a wish on my birthday cake this year. That is how I know I am about done with all of this. I can't handle much more disappointment, you know?

Gee thanks!

2011-01-29T10:08:00.002-07:00

Funny that I had just told you about the colleague who is newly pregnant after her first month tracking ovulation/trying. I had to get it off my chest how easily it came for her. I felt better after I blogged about it and moved on.

The very next day, I had just come onto the floor to make rounds with my doctor. The floor NP came right up to me. She knows all about our attempts of achieving pregnancy. I really like her, she is a fun grandmotherly type person with a good sense of humor.

So, she goes, "Did you hear so and so is pregnant?" I told her that I did. She goes, "Did you know how she did it?" Well, NP, I am pretty damn familiar how a pregnancy is normally achieved. (I am trying hard not to be irritated). She goes, "It is all about checking your cervical mucous." "Once it is stringy and stretchy between your fingers, it is optimal time for conception." Me, "Thanks NP for that information, after almost 5 years of trying, I am pretty aware of the signs of ovulation."

She kept talking for a little while longer while I was collecting patient charts so I could get down to business. Never mind that my surgeon is nearby and I really don't want him to hear all of this ovulation/CM talk. She finally walked away.
I KNOW she means well. But, does she really think we aren't getting pregnant because I don't know when or how I friggin OVULATE???!!!

I got back to the office still irritated. I even told one of my coworkers about it.
Well, the NP must have thought about our conversation a little more because first thing Thursday morning, she approached me and apologized for butting in. I told her it was fine, and I know she means well.

I just couldn't believe that one person's pregnancy could cause her to get all preachy and shit about how to make a baby. Unbelievable! I am totally over it and completely surprised that she had apologized. Not sure what prompted that, other than I don't hide irritation well. Call it a personality flaw!

Just had to share with you all. Some times OPP (other people's pregnancies) are a pain in the ass!

Unfair

2011-01-25T20:56:00.003-07:00

So, I built up speaking with adoption attorney, and never got in touch with her. I called Sunday as her email told me to, but all I got was voicemail. I left a message, and now I wait. It's not that big of a deal, it's not like I'm not going to be infertile next week!

I had a weird exchange this morning. I walked into the women's surgery lounge to change. A colleague was there changing near my locker. I don't know her very well. She is very nice, but we just usually say Hi and that is about it.

This morning though, she asked if I had children. I said no, why? I could tell she was uncomfortable with the question. She told me that she was "expecting" and had some questions regarding some issues we deal with while in surgery. I told her that even though I haven't been pregnant, I had researched those issues thoroughly. I gave her the advice. She was thankful.

I asked her if she had an ultrasound yet. She said no. She was looking into OB's right now. Did I know any good ones....I asked her how old she was. 36. She said they got pregnant the first month they were trying. ggggrrrrrr. I told her congratulations. She said thanks. So far she feels great, no sickness.

I usually keep my feelings in check. But all I could think was how unfair it is. She is almost as old as I am. Gets pregnant the first month trying. And I am the poor fool who knows everything about pregnancy and all that goes along with it. She didn't even seem worried about getting an ultrasound. Such a huge difference from where an infertile comes from!!!

The other super annoying thing that happens at my hospital is this...when a baby is born, they play Brah.ms lullab.y over the overhead speaker. Most days I try to ignore it. On a bad day, it just seems like it's taunting me. "Go to sleep, infertile Jay...I heard that damn chime today like 5 times. hhmpphh. I thought it was so charming when I first started working at this hospital, and couldn't wait for my husband to ring the chime. Yeah, well we all know how that has worked out! Even the anesthesiologist for today's cases wife is pregnant. And he is a class A toolbag.

OK, my jealousy rant is over. I think :) I only share this story because I know all of you could relate to this on some level. My RE appointment is in a week and a half. I need to finish all of the past medical history. I looked at my i.period calender and I am due to start my period on the day of my appointment with the RE. That ultrasound will be fun....

Deep Thoughts

2011-01-22T21:20:00.002-07:00

Oh how I want these two to have a little person to play with....I have a serious addiction to my new camera. So sorry to bombard you with pix of L and T dog, but they are much more willing to let me photograph them!!!

So here are my deep thoughts of the day
1. When I go to Ta.rget and purchase tampons, a tiny voice inside me says "maybe this is the last box I will be buying for awhile"...
2. When I drop some serious cash today at Cos.tco on new couches and freak out about the money, I think...."It's still a lot cheaper than a FET would be"
3. While at said favorite warehouse of mine....I see the CUTEST crib and dresser set for sale, I think "oh how I wish I had a little one to buy this for"...
4. When my MIL brings up that we still have J's old childhood books at dinner...I think, oh wait, I say, "we were saving that for our child one day, thanks for bringing that up." She says, " I almost had a child for you, but they decided to parent." What, what, what!? My MIL is shopping amongst her friends granddaughters for a child for us? It is crazy....
5. I put a bunch of dog stuff in the nurs...I mean 4th bedroom today. They might as well enjoy that room since the chance of a real life baby being in there is looking a lot less likely these days...

So, tomorrow is my convo with the lawyer. I printed out a bunch of questions to ask her from the resolve website. I will read over it tomorrow morning. I am feeling a little anxious about it. I know she is a tremendously busy lady and I don't want to waste her time. Especially on the weekend! Because I don't know about all of you guys, but my weekends are SACRED!!!

Appointments set

2011-01-18T20:22:00.004-07:00

I received a phone call from the RE's office finally. Thankfully she called in between patients so I was able to schedule an appointment. J and I have an appointment for February 7th at 4:30pm. The day before I turn (gulp) 38.....I am excited that he does not charge for the second opinion consult :)

I still may have another 2nd opinion with an RE out of state, but it is easier to start with somebody in town. The way I see it, this RE was partners with my current RE and he knows the in's and out's of that clinic and embryology lab. I am hoping for some straight talk in terms if I need to use donor eggs or donor sperm or both!

I also like how the medical records are set up online. It is so much easier than filling out pages & pages of questions. Unfortunately, I have to look up all the previous dates of all of my IUI's, labwork, IVF's, and FET. This circus has been going on awhile here in babydroughtland....ugh.

I received an email from the adoption attorney today as well. She was really upbeat in her message. She even said "thanks for reaching out to me". How did she know that I was being such a chicken in making contact with her!? Funny, huh? I guess after years of doing this, she understands the psyche of people calling her for the first time.

She said that Sunday would be a good time to chat. She gave me her cell and personal email, so I just need to let her know a Sunday chat would be just fine (although, I hope she doesn't want to talk during the football games!). Priorities here!

So my friends, I am making some progress here. I feel better that I am once again exploring some options. J seems to be comfortable with meeting with the new RE and me speaking with the attorney. We still could communicate a little more on the subject, but baby steps....maybe I should just send J and email with my feelings :) I kid, I kid.

Oh, I seem to be having blogger issues. My blog no longer shows my whole sidebar. When I go to edit, it shows that it is there. When I go to preview and view blog, it is no longer there. I need help, have any of you had this problem???

Not funny universe!

2011-01-17T08:58:00.002-07:00

I picked up my mail Saturday afternoon and I couldn't believe it. One of the magazines (addressed to J) was a pare.nting magazine! Is the universe playing a sick joke on me??? J took the magazine and quickly forwarded the subscription to one of my friends who is a mommy. Not laughing here people!!!

Ok, I just emailed a message to the RE's office in attempts to schedule a second opinion. I also just emailed a note to the adoption attorney. Email is less scary than phone calls for me!

I will keep you updated once I hear back from these peeps! Happy Monday to all. I have to get my chicken shit self to work!!! *bawk, bawk, bawk*

Frozen

2011-01-13T21:11:00.003-07:00

I'm struggling. I just don't know which way to turn. I am done with my "break" of ttc. I am ready to formulate some kind of plan. I am not ready to throw in the towel on having a child. I am close, but not there yet.

I have not called the adoption attorney yet. I need to, but I really don't even know how to start the conversation. Hey lawyer, do you think you can find a birthmother who isn't on drugs that wants to hand over her child to parents that are in their late 30's? It seems so implausibe, yet I haven't even picked up the phone and gotten further information....

I did call the former partner of my current RE and tried to schedule an appointment. I can only talk to one individual to schedule a 2nd opinion. I left a message on her voicemail, but I don't know if it actually recorded. Mid message it said "if you would like to continue leaving a message, please press whatever...." I did and finished my message and hung up. This was on Tuesday, I have not received a call back yet. I am assuming that it did not record. Cause who doesn't call back for more than 3 days? If that is the case, than eff you. I will not deal with a clinic that doesn't promptly return phone calls. I have to call patients within 24 hours, I expect the same when I am a patient!!! A cash paying patient!!!

There is still a part of me that even questions all of this. It has been so nice being hormone free. Of course, if I did another cycle, it wouldn't last forever....I turn 38 in less than a month. I am pretty sure that my options are coming down to donor egg vs. adoption.

I don't know why I am so chicken shit to pick up the phone. Really, it's not like I haven't been through this before. I guess I am just intimdated by the attorney. And the thought of forking over a ton of money for another IVF cycle is disheartening.

I started my period this past Tuesday. I even did OPK's and timed intercourse this month. In this house, a miracle BFP is JUST NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! Time to stop dreaming and DO SOMETHING! I am just letting time pass by because I am scared and don't feel like I know which way to turn. BUT, not doing anything is the worst thing I can do at this point. I guess I need you guys to hold me accountable. If not, I will just hide in a corner, wishing my infertility away. Not a productive way to start 2011, you know?

Happy New Year!

2011-01-03T20:09:00.009-07:00

I don't think I have it in me to reflect on 2010. It wasn't the worst year ever, but wasn't exactly great either. Instead of bringing up the old stuff of 2010, I am more interested in looking ahead to a new year.

I had an insanely busy week between Christmas and New Years. Every night was non stop visitors and family. Right before New Years, my girlfriend, her husband, and 18mo baby girl came to visit. My BFF also came out with her boyfriend. We had a great time drinking, playing games, and loving on baby girl.

I wore my I heart Jake.Ryan tee shirt. Cause that's my era ladies!

My dogs were so well behaved and gentle with baby girl. It tugs at my heart that I don't have a child for my dogs to play with. This month, J and I need to figure out if we are going to pursue any more treatment. I am staring down another birthday in February....

My doctor gave me a business card last week of a woman he has known for a long time. She is an adoption attorney and has been for many years here in the valley. He told her what I was told at the adoption seminar. She said that many girls contact the adoption attorney's directly and that these women are not sketchy and it is much cheaper to adopt this way versus through an agency. She said that I am welcome to call or email her with any questions.

I know it couldn't hurt to call this attorney. I just don't know how open J is to this now after the big scary adoption seminar. Again, J and I need to really talk it out. Having a toddler around all weekend was fun but exhausting, J was so good with her. Why does it have to be this hard to become a parent?

I am going to post a bunch of pics. Blogger is a pain trying to organize between text. I think you can get the gist of each pic :) You girls are smart like that! I hope everyone had a good New Year's! Please, let 2011 be better!

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T13:18:00.003-07:00

Merry Christmas from L and T dog! They hope you all have a wonderful holiday and are hoping for a squeaky toy in their stocking. Merry Christmas!

Blessings

2010-12-21T19:52:00.003-07:00

This past Saturday was my office Christmas party. The doctor I work for is awesome. Every year he picks out a fancy restaurant at a local resort to have our party. We always have a private room for our group and plenty of wine flowing. I work in a small office so it is a nice way to celebrate the end the year (and to marvel at my coworkers spouses....tee hee).

I was having the hardest time this year finding a dress. Right now all of the dresses out there are replicas of what I wore to my eighth grade dance. Can we PLEASE leave the 80's back in
the 80's? I swear I must have gone to 15 different stores! So, I posted a pick of the best dress I could find :) I got it on sale at pen.neys and it was only like $35. You can't beat that!

So, after dinner we always present our doctor with his Christmas present. It is always a struggle to come up with a gift for the guy who has everything. This year we got him a membership to the scotch.of.the.month.club. I told him that he needs to drink putting up with all of us:) At the end of the night, he passes out cards with our bonuses inside. He always puts a little handwritten note inside.

A couple of years back, he said he hoped the bonus would help with our endeavors to have a child. Now that is has been four and a half years, he no longer brings that up. But still writes something sweet. He really is a great guy. Especially in these economic times, he is still throwing a party and giving us cash bonuses. I am very, very blessed to have him as an employer.

I marvel at all we have been through over the last five and a half years since we moved here. There has been a lot of ups and downs, but career wise, things have been great. It was such a huge risk to leave CA, but I honestly feel it was the best thing for us both.

So, after all of the drama I last left you guys with. My in-laws decided that they aren't going to come up for Christmas after all. I am relieved. But irritated all the same. I work all day tomorrow then half day on Thursday. I am so ready for the long weekend!

We are going to church Friday night with my parents for Christmas Eve service. I am so grateful for so many things. Why do I still feel angry with God for my infertility? When am I going to feel some peace? When am I going to get a Christmas bonus and not immediately think about the next fertility treatment I can try. Sigh. Still, I am blessed. Merry Christmas everyone.

The dogs will be posting a Christmas message to you soon :)

What the junk?

2010-12-14T21:02:00.006-07:00

My cold is almost completely gone! Yay! But.....I was feeling crampy today with low back pain.
Tonight I went to the bathroom and am having heavy spotting. That is all fine and good, but today is only CD21. It is freaking me out a little. I feel like I am making huge steps backward.

This will be my 3rd period status post Lap. First cycle was CD31, second CD26, now CD22? WTH? I haven't changed anything in terms of supplements. Not taking any new meds.
Why is my period so irregular? I always thought that removing endometriosis would improve your cycle regularity. I guess not.

When we started TTC, I had started having shorter periods (aka Luteal phase defect). I corrected this by taking progesterone the second half of my cycle every month, which did improve things. Since my FET in February, my cycle has been extremely regular. I have the lap, and now everything is jacked up. Sigh. Did I make a bad thing worse here? Do I call the GYN let him know what is happening? Do regular GYN's even have the knowledge to treat LPD? (let's be honest here, gyn's aren't too knowledgeable about the IF stuff!)

It just affirms my need to get the second opinion with another RE to atleast get me on some kind of protocol to regulate my cycle. As much fun as it is to act as my own doctor, I need to seek expert advice!

I snuck up to the outlet mall today for a little Christmas shopping this afternoon after work. I did a little shopping for family, and a LOT of shopping for me! Ban.ana Repu.blic had all of their jeans for $25! I was so excited being that I currently only have a few pairs of jeans that fit! I love a bargain:) I just spoke with me brother and apparently "we" have gotten my dad an i.pad for Christmas and my mom and i.touch. Looks like I will be mailing a hefty check to my bro. Damn, why does he have to have such expensive taste?

J dropped a bomb on me after dinner tonight. We were going to go the San.diego for Christmas, but decided against it due to travel time and the major guilt trip my mom laid on me for not being here for Christmas. So, we are staying here to relax. Ha! He invited my MIL, FIL, and BIL up for Christmas. Now on my weekend off, I am going to have to have a house full of people expecting to be served. I am so irritated right now. I specifically told him for them to come up any weekend BUT Christmas. I was too pissed to even communicate why I was angry.
Something I need to work on for sure. But he needs to consult me first before he invites the whole world to MY house!

Yep, I think Aunt Flow is coming soon. Of course, the spotting could just be implantation bleeding.....hahahahahahahahahahahaha!
*update* Definitely AF this am :( Love working while doubled over with cramps! But hey, atleast no period on Christmas, right???

Parties, gifts, and tires?

2010-12-11T08:47:00.002-07:00

I was just looking back at last year's December posts. I was still reeling from the amount of money we had spent from the 2 IVF's last year. The debt was on my mind. This year, I still think about the money, but not as obsessed over it. Plus, I have paid most of that debt off!

J wants to know what I want for Christmas. For the fourth (or is it fifth? ) Christmas, I have asked for a baby. So far, my wish hasn't been granted. So, we move on to more tangible gifts! I am a little stumped as to what I want. I will probably just ask for clothes and little things for the house. After losing 22 lbs, I have had to overhaul my closet and I don't have too many sweaters and pants for cool weather! Good problem to have, annoying when you are trying to find an outfit for work/going out!

My cold has been terrible this week. I am finally feeling better this am. I have been hopped up on sud.afed and muc.inex this past week. On Wednesday, I left the office to grab lunch. I admit, cold medicine doesn't really agree with me. I feel dizzy and loopy on it. So I make a left turn in a parking lot towards the sub shop and I totally curb my car. Ah shit. I park my car and assess the damage. I put a huge chunk into the rubber of my front and back tire on the passenger side.

Guess who is getting 2 new tires for Christmas? This girl! J is at the tire shop right now taking care of my stupid mistake! He is a good, good husband! He also brought me Star.bucks coffee and donuts in bed this am. I am a lucky girl. And, he is willing to go to the ballet tonight to see the Nutcracker. I feel bad because a bunch of guys from work are getting together tonight to watch some fight. He is getting major shit for going to the ballet with me!

We went to his Christmas party last night. It was alright. It was at a restaurant that has a mechanical bull. Yeah, a little interesting! It is super fun to see drunkards get up on the bull and fall off. I am entertained easily, what can I say? Last night, I was at the party and had to use the restroom. I walked in and there was major drama going down. This one girl was drunk balling with her friend hugging her, telling her that she is so hot and that guy doesn't deserve her. I was cracking up. I may be infertile, but at least I am past my twenties and not single crying over some stupid guy! Glad those days are behind me!

Well, that is what's been going on the last week! J just got home. The tire guy said I did a "good job" messing up my tires. I say go big or go home! More Christmas parties to endure over the next week. I will keep you guys posted. Any of you been to an interesting/awkward party situation this season?

Cranksgiving

2010-11-30T19:18:00.002-07:00

Boy, I don't remember a Thanksgiving in which I was crankier! It all started with me starting my period the day before turkey day. Last month I was 2 days late, this month 2 days early. Being obsessed with my cycle and all, I was irritated by this. I was doing so well staying on the 28 day track. Does this mean I am falling back into the luteal phase defect cycle? Or, are things still a little wonky from my September laparoscopy?

Do you have any idea how painful pre-thanksgiving shopping is with full blown PMS??? I almost had a full psychotic break in Cos.tco. Too many people, too many crying kids, and no respect for personal space! I could not get my cramps under control until Friday. It was brutal. J has been sick and I haven't been getting much sleep. I am a ridiculous light sleeper these days. Every nose blowing event wakes me up.

We spent Thanksgiving day with my mom and dad. It was nice because they did most of the cooking:) And they keep football on all day. My kind of turkey day! L and T dog were happy to get some scraps. Thankfully, T dog is a year older and didn't pee inside my parents house during dinner like he did last year! Ooops.

Friday, we didn't get to shop, we had to drive down to my in-laws house for the weekend. All of J's family flew in for the weekend for my FIL's 80th birthday. It was insane. 25 people all hanging out in one little house. The walls were closing in.....I coped with wine. Not going to lie!
My in-laws misbehaved dog was trying to hump all of the little kids. Yeah, there is NO reason to have the dog neutered.....Don't get me started on that one!

Saturday was the formal party for my FIL. They had it caterered (thank God) and even had a photographer. We had to do the awkward photos before dinner. Of course, our photo was just J and me. It's hard and the holidays seem to bring out the sad feelings of infertility even more. J's siblings and nieces/nephews are all crazy fertile. It is so depressing. Atleast the one niece didn't proclaim how glad she is to be a "young mom" this visit. (wanted to punch her last time she said that).

We slept in the guest room at my in-laws house. This bed is so uncomfortable (it's possible that my husband was conceived on said bed...ewwww). My back is still hurting from trying to sleep on it for 2 nights. So, no sleep + sick hubby=sick Jay. I started feeling crappy Sunday and now I feel worse. Common cold with probable sinus infection. But hey, my period is over:) Standing in surgery all day with a runny nose is oh.so.fun.

I am so happy Thanksgiving and the party is over. I have never really loved turkey day. It just seems like so much work for a day you should just enjoy and focus on the things you are thankful for. I can't say my attitude was anything other than cranky. I am doing better now and realized my hormones must be out of whack. I am hoping that December is a more peaceful month....yeah right! It looks like I will be on my period for Christmas too!!!! Yay me!

Living

2010-11-18T21:08:00.004-07:00

What does one do during IF purgatory? One goes hiking with husband and 2 dogs. I present to you, the leash cam in photo number 1. T dog was waaaayyyy irritated by my slowness trekking up the hill. He is always trying to get ahead of his brother, for pole position. While I appreciate his spunk and his ability to pull my chubby butt up the hill, it gets a little annoying.

This was the first big hike J and I have done since early this year. I remember going on this hike right after doing no exercise for 6 weeks for the FET. I felt like I was going to die. I felt out of shape and depressed. It is amazing how those feelings came back to me this weekend. I was happy this hike though. I felt better and didn't feel like I was going to collapse!

I guess all I can do is look at where I came from and look towards the future. I still just don't get why all of our attempts have gone wrong. Why can't I make a decision in what to do next? I don't feel at peace right now. I am not ready to close the door yet, but don't feel super great with our options either. I know I need to pick up the phone and make an appointment for a second opinion. I just feel like no one on this earth is going to figure it out (why we aren't getting pregnant) now after all this time. I know it is irrational, I am just tired of dealing with RE's and their used car salesman ways. Jaded much?

I will stop sniveling and do something soon, or I will go crazy. I just need to feel good about who I decide to set up a consult with. I have read up on everyone here in AZ. I don't know if I want to do any out of state consult. It just seems too overwhelming to me. If we did donor eggs, it wouldn't matter so much where I went. I do need a new pair of eyes to look at the whole picture to decide if that is what we need to do vs. donor sperm.

God give me strength to move forward, my Labradors are getting tired!

So, it's not like Juno, huh?

2010-11-07T16:25:00.002-07:00

**I don't want to offend anyone by my thoughts of adoption, I am just processing what the experts shared with us**

We went to the adoption seminar Saturday am. It was....well....interesting. I'm very glad we went and I do feel that they brought up some topics/concerns that I never would have thought of. All in all though, it was a depressing experience.

The first speaker was a private adoption attorney. He was trying to keep the topic light, but he was all about "you must market yourself." You should make up cards with your info and leave them around where an unwed mother would hang out. You know, bus stop, fast food restaurant, laundromat. Um, what? I need to place an ad in the pennys.aver? Or crai.gslist? The attorney mostly handles the legalities of the adoption, not placement.

He also brought up some interesting points about birthfather rights and how they have to track him down before you can legally adopt the baby. Both the attorney and social worker that spoke said babydaddy drama can really foul up an adoption. I have always thought about the birthmother, never really given much thought to the babydaddy.

Apparently if you adopt a child that has some native amer.ican heritage, there is a whole new set of jurisdictions that are enforced. Hmmm, never knew?

The next speaker was a social worker that works for a private adoption agency. She was VERY realistic, which I appreciated, BUT, it was really depressing! Her thoughts were:
-birthmothers lie
-most BM's are uneducated or even illiterate, so don't bother writing long "dear BM letters", they won't/can't read them
-add lots of pictures, they like pretty pictures
-99% of the babies up for adoption are mixed race
-most BM's have a history of alcohol and/or illicit drug use (meth is super popular in AZ)
-cost of using an agency is about $26,000. Yes, there is an adoption tax credit for 13K
-If you want a Caucasian child, you will be waiting forevah and evah
-the wait for a child is most likely a year or more
-She has to hunt down the birthfather to make sure he won't claim the baby
-BM has 72 hrs to change her mind
-A lot of the BM's are homeless or in jail (awesome)

I know I am forgetting some of it, but it left me feeling completely turned off. I know the BM isn't going to be a Har.vard grad with blond hair, but seriously? A drug addicted woman who had a one night stand. Hmmm, I need to think long and hard about this.

I also sat through the international adoption lecture, but that isn't something J and I are interested in. I kind of zoned out for that lecture. The take home from that is that it is even MORE expensive to pursue. And more hoops to go through, not to mention the child having to adapt to a whole new culture.

I did get to meet S. from http://conceptionmisconceptions.blogspot.com which was great! I only got to chat with her briefly, but fun to meet a blog friend IRL.

So, as we left the seminar, we passed the re.solve table where there was a roll of raffle tickets.
We were given 2 tix when we checked in (I guess for half off a home study). As we left, J goes
"what are they raffling off? A kid?" I laughed and said "yeah, you go upstairs to the nursery and collect your baby". (the seminar was at a hospital downtown). Right as we were having that conversation, a hugely pregnant woman came off the elevator in her hospital gown. I said, "see honey, she is greeting us with our new baby!"

Sometimes, you just have to laugh at all of this! It is so overwhelming and depressing that you can't have your own biological children. If you don't make crappy jokes, you'll cry.

We did learn some important information, but I really need to do more research about adoption before I completely take that off the table. It just was like a splash of cold water on an already freezing situation. It gives me more understanding why so many women try donor eggs first, before adoption (if they can). It is so hard to have faith and give up control.....

Happy Halloween

2010-10-31T10:52:00.003-07:00

Happy Halloween from pufferfish and the headless horseman!

Secret bad behaviors

2010-10-30T10:19:00.003-07:00

I'm sitting here in my pj's relaxing. I am in full unhealthy behavior mode! J is gone for the day, so the house is mine.....I finally started my period today on CD 31. I was getting worried and even broke down and paos yesterday. I am never late, if anything I am usually early. It was so weird when I got on my itouch yesterday and the iperiod app warned me I was 2 days late! Too funny. I didn't think that I was magically pregnant because I have been having cramping over the last four days. The hpt told me NOT PREGNANT. asshole hpt test, could be a little more gentle with me, you know?

So, in honor of my lazy, sitting in bed, wearing pj's past 10am mode, this is what I consider unhealthy behaviors (for an infertile):

Jay's Top 10 bad behaviors while in TTC purgatory

1. Watching back to back episodes of I.didn't.know.I.was.PG (this drives me bonkers, but can't change the channel)

2. Letting both dogs on the bed (if J is away, I let L & T dog snuggle....not good if you are trying to be a good pack leader :)

3. Spending hours reading infertility blogs and getting annoyed (jealous) when their first IUI or IVF works for them and they now have a baby.

4. Eating Halloween candy before 9am (halloween candy is my kryptonite).

5. Watching Sister.wiv.es and wondering WTF is wrong with that family? Why are they so damn fertile?

6. Making plans to go shopping this afternoon to spend money I don't really have. (I use my secret sacred credit card that J doesn't have access to :)

7. Get depressed when I find the most perfect onesie ever, if I had a little girl (unable to post link, but it has a little girls shoe on it and it says "future carrie bradshaw" on it. I LOVE SATC!

8. Should be at the gym right now, but can't tear myself away from my heating pad and laptop

9. Thinking about having another piece of Halloween candy....maybe I should order a pizza?

1o. Reading another book on infertility. For some reason I think I will find the answer to all of my IF struggles in a book. Like I will have some "a ha" kind of moment. I'll keep you posted if such a thing happens.

Good thing J is only gone for today. If not, I would be in a serious shame cycle by Sunday! Is there anything you guys do/watch/read that you consider bad behaviors in order to cope? Or am I alone in this sad existence? Ha ha! I am going to attempt to get my butt out of bed and get moving soon! My tv is no longer on the learnin.g channel. No more pregnant baby stories for me! It just makes me aggravated.....

I'm going to carve my pumpkin later and maybe find an costume for the dogs. Why not, they are the only kids we have right now! Happy Halloween everyone, I am raising my snickers snack size candy bar to you all in celebration :) Cheers!

Happy Hour

2010-10-28T19:49:00.003-07:00

Every month, I meet with a group of girls for happy hour. We have been doing this for over a year now. I always enjoy it and the girls are fun. One happy hour got a little out of hand and J had to come pick me up and put me to bed....ooops! :)

Anyway, we met last Friday night. There is the same 3 girls, and a few others come and go to happy hour. This past Friday, we there were six of us. Five were mothers and one was not.....(guess who that was?) Yep, our happy hour turned into baby talk hour. Let me preface this with the fact that almost all of them know I am infertile!!!

I get that it is almost Halloween and there is costumes and trick or treating to discuss, BUT for an hour an a half? Then, the one girl felt sorry for me and invited me to her Halloween.trick or treating.adult drinking.block party.party. Um, no thanks, we don't want to be that sad couple who smiles at the kids in costumes with out kids of their own in costumes. Are you guys feeling my pain yet?

One of the girls asked what was next for J and I (later on in the evening) in our infertility struggle. I told her that we were debating another cycle vs. adoption. She was a little judgemental about adoption. I was surprised being that she had no problems getting pregnant her two children! She then, out of the blue goes, "If you need a surrogate, I would carry a baby for you. I lovvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeddddd being pregnant." OK, really?

I know she was trying to be nice, but at the same time it is (in my opinion) so insensitive to say something like that! We have never proved that I have a uterine problem. And, who just volunteers to carry a baby for 9 months after several cocktails? Has anyone had a friend just randomly offer surrogacy because they feel sorry for you? Am I being too sensitive about this? It is quite possible (that I am being too sensitive), and evidence that I should have drank more at happy hour!!!

For the record, October is my favorite month and it is breaking my heart to face another year without a baby to take adorable pics of in the pumpkin patch and in a cute costume. It just makes me sad.....BTW, Libby and Murgdan were right, I need to get a second (actually third, but who is counting) opinion, before we do another cycle. One more week until the adoption seminar. I will post my thoughts from that after.

I hope you all have a happy Halloween weekend! I still plan to carve a pumpkin, pass out candy to the cute boos that come to my door, and pray that I will have my own child to dress up someday!

***Did I mention I am due to start my period tomorrow, and I am a little PMS'ey?***

Progress

2010-10-22T13:40:00.003-07:00

Thanks for all your pep talks from last post. Some infertile days are harder than others! Since I last posted, I believe we have made a little bit of progress.....

J had his bi-yearly appointment with Dr. Penis (urologist). I have mentioned him in the past. He is a great doctor that specializes in male factor infertility. He put J on Clo.mid over a year an a half ago due to issues with low testosterone and low morphology. He had been doing serial semen analysis as well as lab work on J. J has been a trooper doing SA after SA. I bet he has probably done 30 samples at this point....without good porn I must add!

So, J brought home his latest analysis results and they are so MUCH better. His count was 55 million. His morphology is what made me happy. I forget how low it was last time, I think it was 6% according to KSM. This time it was 12%! I have no idea why it has taken this long for his morphology to improve, but I'll take it! Dr. Penis asked J what our plans were and if we were going to do another IVF cycle. He told him that we might do another IVF cycle at the end of the year. Huh, really?

This opened the door to discussing what is next. I told him that I am still unsure how I feel about doing another IVF cycle. I am tempted to get a second opinion, but I really don't feel that there is any RE better to consult with here in my neck of the woods. I would love to do a cycle out of state, but frankly, I just can't do it with my job. My doctor is a good guy and all, but I don't think he would appreciate me being gone for a week or two during our busy season.....

I did tell J that I have started to really consider looking into adoption. I have been so resistant to the idea, but I feel like we need to at least look into it. I'm not that hung up on actually being pregnant and all of that. What I do know, is that I want to be a mother. J was a little surprised that I brought up adoption. (yes, our communication skills could be better) There is an adoption seminar in a couple of weeks here that hopefully J will attend with me. If anything, we can be more informed about the process.

I had my post op appointment with my "vaginacologist", you know, Dr. Hit it Hard. Nothing earth shattering there. Just went over the findings with me and checked my incisions. He reminded me that I am more fertile the first couple of months following the removal of endo.
So, he told me to get busy with J. He said, "Hopefully, next time I will see you, you will be tired, nauseated, and pregnant." I told him to not bet the farm on that. GYN's are so different from RE's, that's for sure. That optimism seems so ridiculous to me at this point!

So, 4.5 years into this, J's sperm is better, my endo is gone, and we still can't make a baby. So, maybe it's just time to explore other options before we throw another 20K down the toliet for IVF #3. I still wonder if we should explore DE IVF, but my RE doesn't feel that my eggs are of poor quality. I wish we had the answers. I am trying to go with my gut here, and it is telling me to open your eyes to other options before any decisions are made.

Lapped

2010-10-10T19:36:00.003-07:00

It's happening, and it's happening over and over again. My girlfriend's are now having their
second child. I was actually one of the earlier people of my friends to get married. I always thought that I would be one of the first to have a child(not that having children is a competition).

I got another announcement via text from a sorority sister of mine. I have to say, at least she told me directly, I didn't have to find out via FB! It's hard. I do share in their joy, I really do. I just can't escape the feelings of "why me" and "it is never going to happen to me."

I mean let's be serious, I am 37.5 years old. I am OLD! My girlfriend's should be on at least their second child! I should be getting lapped in this department. I know that objectively, but my heart is aching.

Last Sunday, J and I went out to a nice dinner to celebrate our anniversary. We went early to beat the rush (cause that is what old farts do!). The restaurant was fairly empty, EXCEPT for a big baby shower going on. Of course, the hostess walks us right past it. I don't know what is worse.... celebrating your anniversary AND...getting your period OR having to witness a baby shower in full swing (and the pregnant mother looks to be as OLD as you)?

I am trying to stay in a neutral place here...but clearly I am not doing a good enough job. I have a serious case of the why me's? and the everyone else is getting pregnant on the PLANET except ME?

Is anyone out there still fighting the fight and feeling this much angst and self pity? Are you getting lapped? How do you process this and let go of the bitterness? I just don't believe this will ever happen for us. I'm sorry. I just can't find one last shred of hope for us. I need to pray a little harder for some answers....because being stuck in neutral is hard, really hard.

It is almost a year now from my chemical pregnancy. One year older, and not one year wiser.
Just thinner with scars on my belly and not one step closer to having a child.
Self pity party no over....thanks for listening

Storms

2010-10-09T09:42:00.006-07:00

It has been an interesting week here in the desert. Monday it rained like crazy, and then it appeared right in my backyard. A double rainbow. I took a bunch of pics, because how often here do you see that? I was feeling pretty down that day and thought, maybe this is a sign?

Unfortunately, the next day it stormed again. This time with golf ball size hail (I shit you not).

Guess whose car got pummeled by said hail? This girl. I have ridiculous bad luck with cars. I have had my car stolen, another car sandblasted during a sand storm, many a door ding, and now hail storm. Top pic I took through my car window...ugh.

J and I had to go get an appraisal yesterday afternoon to see how much we will get for the damage from our insurance company. It was interesting, this was considered a "catastrophe."

The guy who appraised my car was from Georgia and was flown in for this. He said he was a part of the "cat team". Who knew this job existed? I do now. I haven't gotten the email yet to know how much I will get to fix the dents on my hood, roof, and trunk....oh and the broken windshield. I know, I know it is just a car....but what a pain in the butt. Of course there is a $500 deductible....

I kept thinking about the word catastrophe. That is the word I would use to describe my infertility experience. Not my car. My car can be fixed, my body can't. Where is the cat team to fly in and tell me what to do? And give me money :)

I had a dream last night about adoption. It was totally bizarre. I keep having a recurring dream that I somehow end up with a baby and have nothing at home to take care of it. I panic and call my mother to go to the mall to pick up necessary baby items. It's weird that I can have anxiety dreams over a baby I don't even have! I don't think it means much, other than I am OCD about be prepared for anything! I just wasn't prepared for the storms I have faced lately. It's time for that double rainbow to show me some luck!!!

Happy 6th Anniversary

2010-10-02T09:47:00.007-07:00

Today is J and I's 6th wedding anniversary. I look back at the photos fondly. It was a clear beautiful San.Diego day. I was with my family and friends marrying my best friend. There

was so much hope and joy that day.

Joy for our marriage (as it took us about 7 years to tie the knot)! Hope for all of the things to come. I had just finished grad school. We had just found a little place to start our lives out as a married couple. We were so happy on this day.

I look at the photo of myself (at the bottom) with a tear in my eye. I was a little emotional that day. I was so excited to finally marry J and to become a full fledged adult. Seeing us leave in the getaway car with all of that hope and promise that only newlyweds carry, is almost hard to look at now.

Four and a half years now into this fight of infertility has been hard. Once again, I started my period 2 days ago. It is uncanny how every year I have my period on my anniversary.....I could do without the cruel reminder once in awhile! So far, this period has been more painful than ever. I'm not sure if the laparoscopy is really going to do much.

I need to look at these photos and dwell on all of the wonderful things that J and I have, not on the children we don't. I am going to try to make myself a promise here today. By next October 2, we will have made a decision on whether we try one more time, adopt, or live child free. My heart cannot take any more limbo.

I want to get back to that happy girl in a wedding dress, looking at her husband as if he is her super hero. Happy anniversary honey, let's get back to living again!

Drinking the Kool-Aid

2010-09-20T21:00:00.002-07:00

I can't even believe I am buying into it....I can't believe I am listening to my GYN and "hitting it hard". I mean really, after four years of TTC, is a laparoscopy going to magically cure our problems and I will have a positive HPT in a matter of 2 weeks? Not likely, but somewhere in my cold cynical heart, I still have that hope. That maybe I relaxed, removed endo, and boinked like teenagers and we might finally get pregnant hope.

I don't know, it seems pretty silly to me. I guess it can't hurt to try and try again. Let me tell you have fun trying has been....I had my surgery on CD 9, which was great, because I was done with my period and it was right before ovulation. Usually when you have an HSG they do it around CD10 (I know, because I have had 4 of them...arrggghhh). So, we started up with Operation HIT_IT_HARD 2 days PO on CD 11. Let's just say, it wasn't the most "comfortable" feeling to be having "relations". I started using OPK's that I had laying around. We had sex on CD14 and 15. I ovulated on CD15, which Thank God, it is hard to be this much of a temptress....

My last post I was in a drug fueled (but happy) haze. I have to say that I was really bloated and uncomfortable for an entire week post op. Between the anesthesia, anti emetics, and pain medication, I was sporting a huge poop baby. It took many a laxative and six days to get my bowels all straightened out! No fun! I went to work last Monday and had to go home at noon because of ongoing nausea. The nausea finally went away last Wednesday. On Friday, I could fit into my pants again....aaahhhh relief!

So, how do you keep track of your period and cycle so well Jay? Funny you should ask. J just got me an itouch as a passing my boards present. And, I downloaded a free app called iperiod.
I love it! I never knew I could be so interested in tracking my period. Fascinating! It is totally aiding me in my delusions of grandeur that J and I are capable of getting pregnant without help!

Anyways, ovulation is over and I can rest. I am putting down the kool-aid and trading it for a glass of wine. Wine rarely disappoints the way infertility does. Today is CD19 with 10 days remaining until AF comes. Thanks iperiod, for making me more obsessive than I already was!

Laparoscopy

2010-09-11T08:51:00.002-07:00

I checked in yesterday morning. I got registered up front before taking me back. They asked if I had a living will. Um, no.... I always thought we would get that done once we had kids. I think we should get that done soon, kids of not. Do any of you girls have a living will? I did appoint J as my power of attorney in case anything went wrong. Which of course is unlikely, but you never can be sure!

Everyone was super nice in pre-op and post-op. I have to pee in a cup so they could run a pregnancy test on me. Seems like a waste of time to me! Protocol is protocol. The nurse was a little rough putting my IV in, but I survived. My anesthesiologist was not the one I requested, but she was really great. I told her that I am prone to nausea, so she put a scopala.mine patch behind my ear and gave me some stuff in my IV during the surgery. The anesthesiologist just had a baby herself a few months ago. She saw that I had had a couple of Egg Retrievals and as she was putting me to sleep, she whispered in my ear that she hoped the lap would help me get pregnant. How sweet was that?

I only remember getting onto the OR table and then woke up in recovery dry heaving:( I am such a delicate flower when it comes to anesthesia! In recovery, I was cramping REALLY bad and shaking. The RN gave me some pain meds in the IV and some phen.ergan through the IV to help with the nausea. The RN from the OR let me know that I was "retching" the minute I woke up. How great is that? I work with these people! The nausea passed quickly, the cramping took a while to calm down. I spent all afternoon yesterday sleeping, hugging my heating pad. As yesterday went on, my bloating increased. I also have right shoulder pain from some trapped CO2 they use to inflate my abdomen during the procedure.

So, my GYN did find some endometriosis on my bladder, ovaries, and in the cul de sac, but he said it was fairly mild. He removed all of it. I had told him preop that my RE had said there was a little blockage at the junction of my left fallopian tube and left ovary. So, he did an HSG as well while under anesthesia. He told J that my tubes were open and not to worry. According to my pics, it looks like there was more endo on the left ovary vs the right. But, not a tremendous amount. I don't think the findings support that endo is the reason for not getting pregnant, but could be the reason for painful periods!

When my GYN went out to the waiting room to speak with J, he told him to have a lot of sex over the next couple of months. Something like"hit it hard"....only a man would say that!
So, I don't know what to think of all of this. I am glad there were SOME findings and it isn't all in my head! I'm also super happy he did the HSG to boost things along. I have 3 incisions. 1 in my belly button, 1 near my left ovary and 1 right above my pubic bone. Thank God I have kept up with the laser hair removal!!! No need for the OR to see old school bush! I was bleeding yesterday when I peed, but that seems to be gone.

Sorry for the long winded post. Just want to put it out there for anyone who is going to go through a laparoscopy. I think it is time to get a heating pad back on my belly, it is sore! But not terrible! I'm just glad it is over with, and my parts aren't that bad!

Nervous

2010-09-09T17:47:00.002-07:00

Tomorrow is the big day. I check into the surgery center at 6:45am and laparoscopy is scheduled for 8:45. I actually was at the surgery center this morning assisting my surgeon. The scrub tech knows I am having my procedure tomorrow and made sure it's all women in the room:) Honestly, at this point, I could care less who sees my business. Infertility has robbed me of my modesty among other things!

I know this is dumb, but I am nervous. I am in the medical field and I know way too much! I just pray they find something, so I don't feel like a hypochondriac! I just got my period last Friday and it was awful as usual. So, it did reaffirm that I need to have a lap and get some answers!

Wish me luck. I will update soon the status of my innards! Oh, and thanks for the sympathy of the broken big toe. It still hurts and is swollen. I can't quite fit into shoes yet. I'm not going to wear the boot tomorrow though. I don't want anyone thinking I'm there for foot surgery! Time for pizza and football to take my mind off of surgery tomorrow!

vacation, laparoscopy, and fractures!

2010-08-25T20:49:00.003-07:00

Holy crap, has it really been 20 days since my last post??? It has been busy here in babydroughtland. Our vacation was great. We were driving fools. We drove over to LA to see my BFF, the next day we drove all the way to Son.oma county to see another friend. She just had a baby girl 4 months ago. Did lots of fun wine tasting there. Next, we drove down the coast. Big Sur is sooooo beautiful. Loved it. We stayed the night at the ma.donna inn in the lucky rock room. It was totally PIMP with the tiger print carpet, curtains, and couch! We then drove down to San Diego and spent the rest of the trip there. Whew, road tripping is exhausting! My back was killing me....another sign of age. Never had back pain driving from college to Key West for spring break!!!

Last week was busy after being out for a week. This past Friday I had my appointment with my gyn regarding laparoscopy. I have been hemming and hawing over the last four years whether to do it or not. My RE said I should do it and it was perfectly fine for my gyn to go hunting for endometriosis. I told my gyn about the large cyst (endometrioma) that was hanging out in my right ovary during IVF #2 and the FET. Combined with my horrific cramps every month. I think it is time to take a look see into Jay's abdomen.

I am nervous about doing the surgery, but I feel like I need some answers. I am tired of being in pain every month. I can't believe that it is "normal" to have this much pain. I know I don't have the strongest pain threshold out there, but it's pretty bad. My gyn started to tell me that fertility can improve up to 3 months after the lap. I told him that I am not delusional to think that a lap will magically get me pregnant. I just want to get some relief from my periods. I feel like I have nothing to lose at this point.

So, the surgery is on the books for Sept 10th. I have already requested my favorite anesthesiologist :) It helps to be in the business....wink wink. I will have the weekend to recover. I am assuming that if my surgery is Friday morning, that I will be able to go back to work on Monday. Let me know if I am underestimating things here.

The other drama right now is my foot. Saturday, I had a movie date with my Mom to see eat*pray*love. As I was walking up the theater steps to our seats. I fell, jammed my right big toe HARD, and slammed my left arm onto the end row seat. I was so embarrassed I fell, but my toe was killing me. I looked down and it was bent into an unnatural position. I thought it was dislocated. I felt bad and I could tell my mom didn't know what to do (but really wanted to see the movie) so I told her to go get some ice and a soda (so I could down a bunch of advil). I sat through that whole damn movie with my toe all crooked and painful!

I got home and asked J to try to reduce my toe back into position. I gave myself my own digital block with numbing medicine. I could have never have done that before all of the IVF needles!!!
Once my toe was numb, J pulled with all his might and ccccrrrrrrraaaaaaaccccckkkkkk. Hey, I think it's in place now! J saved me a trip to the urgent scare :)

The next day my big toe and foot was crazy swollen and purple. Not pretty. It hurt to put any weight on it. My doctor was out of town or I would have driven my sorry ass with a crooked toe right over to his house! Monday morning I had the x ray tech take a pic. Yeah, totally fractured the base of my right great toe. J did do a great job setting it! Now I am wearing a walking boot.
I can't fit into any shoes, and the boot takes pressure off my big toe.

I am so bummed out. It is going to take 6 weeks to heal and will probably hurt for 3 months or more. I was into my workout routine, and now I am very limited to what I can do:( I already put a few pounds on over vacation. I just need to be careful in what I eat!

So, that is the last 3 weeks in a nutshell. I will try to post some pics soon of our vacation, and maybe even a pic of my sausage toe...no, I won't subject you all to that! Glad to be back in blog land!

Lucky

2010-08-05T22:42:00.003-07:00

J and I are hitting the road tomorrow for our vacation. Dad is going to stay at my house to watch over the dogs. I'm afraid that my boys will be waking up Grandpa by 6 every morning...sorry Dad! My dogs have the most amazing internal clock ever!

I'm looking forward to getting out of town and being in cooler weather! We are going to be visiting several of my close girlfriends including my BFF since the sixth grade. I am so happy to see her, and plan a whole weekend just her and I in the near future!

We will also be in wine country for a couple of days, which is AWESOME!!! Love it up there! I just had to share with you girls where we will be one night during our trip. It's a hotel I have always wanted to check out. Every room has a theme and we chose this room
http://www.madonnainn.com/rooms/134.php

If we don't get "lucky" in this room, then we are a serious LOST CAUSE! If you are bored, check the pics of the steakhouse. The pink and gold awesomeness is too much for me to handle! J and I will be spending a lot of time in the car. Hopefully we don't kill each other!

So, looking forward to good friends, wine, the coast, and time together with my husband. I'll update in a week with pics! I have gone fishin'.

Pass

2010-08-03T14:08:00.003-07:00

So, I seem to fail at "passing" the ole pregnancy test. Four years worth of failing.
I think at this point, I would have a heart attack if I saw two lines on a stick! But,
you know what I am capable of passing? My board exam! Hooray!!!! I don't have
to worry about it for another six years!

I got an email first thing yesterday morning that my scores were available to check
on the PA website. I was shaking waiting for the page to load. I saw the word
Passed first. Then had a huge sigh of relief. I then looked at the breakdown of
my score. They tell you the percent you got correct by medical category, such as
cardiology, pulmonology, orthopedics, etc. So, you want to know what category
I got every single answer correct??? Not the specialty I work in, No. I got 100%
right in the reproductive system category. Ironic, no?

So, I defend all of my blog reading and researching. Look how smart I have
become in girly bits! Something I should brag at the next party I am at!
Um, no...I won't be sharing that bit of info with anyone, except you all of course!

I am happy that stress is over. I have vacation coming up soon, which will be
great. Anytime I can get away from this ridiculous heat, I am a happy camper.
It's no coincidence that most of my time off falls during the summertime! I can't
wait to starting reading the pile of books I have bought recently, that are fiction!
And have nothing to do with infertility! Yay me!

What do I want?

2010-07-30T15:04:00.002-07:00

I am soooo glad that board exam is over. It was stupid hard. I was glad I studied as much as I did. Hopefully, I passed and I don't have to take it again for another six years! I have been having flashbacks of questions I was unsure on, and I keep looking them up to see if I answered them correctly. Yeah, not such a great thing to do. Let it go Jay, what is done...is done!

Oh, and I was super grateful to find out in my studies, that being "nulliparous" and taking fertility drugs, can increase your chance of ovarian cancer threefold!!! Awesome! Yay me! Glad I don't have to read about the reproductive system again for awhile. It was bumming me out.

Last night at dinner, I asked J what his thoughts were on adoption. He got a little irritated, and asked why I ask him about these things when we are out to dinner. Well, maybe cause when we are out, there is no tv, computer, ipod, etc. to distract him!!! He said he was a little reluctant to consider adoption due to the potential health of the baby. I get that, and it is a HUGE concern for myself as well. (I have done very little research on adoption BTW, just wondering what my husband's thoughts are).

I need to send J some links to the possible options I have in mind for possible second opinions. He keeps saying he needs to research it. Well, than do it then! I am 37 and have very little time left to use my own eggs. It's so frustrating, but if I was really motivated, I would have pressed the issue with him more. I think if I am being honest with myself, I am not looking forward to all of those drugs again. I am in a pretty good place right now, I don't want to get back to the dark places I have been. Hence, my thoughts of researching adoption!

Meanwhile, I am totally into watching rai.sing s.extup.lets. Is anybody watching it? I think Brian is a total ass. I get so irritated with his whining, and feel so bad for Jen. She looks so exhausted. It makes me glad I am not on that end of the spectrum either. I guess I am just not sure what I want! I just don't think I want to be child free.